Frankly, I thought that she would agree with me. I can't imagine that inside her mind she thinks she is working toward having a great sex life FOR HER, or toward having sessions that are more physically pleasurable FOR HER. I cannot remember a single instance in which she asked for anything that would make sex better FOR HER. Except for me to hurry up and finish so it would be over.


Jack, my wife married me because she thought she was marrying big money and she thought I was "safe" - meaning I would not pressure her for sex. I am a fairly wimpy guy and it never occurred to her that asking for sex from my wife was going to turn out to be the only area of my life in which I relentlessly press for what I want. What she liked about me was in her head and not real. I have never been the guy she thought she was marrying. I tried to tell her that before we got married. She did not believe me.

Similarly, I thought I was marrying someone who found me sexually attractive. She said "to me, smart is sexy" and I believed her. But it wasn't true. She was never interested in the sexual side of our relationship. The signs were there before we got married, but I ignored them. She made excuses for why we didn't have as much sex as I desired and I accepted the excuses as being temporary conditions. Instead of looking at the bigger picture and realizing the pattern told the true story.

We will never meet each other's needs. I can live with whining and complaining and not getting my needs met. I am trying to see if she agrees that both of us are not getting our needs met. And won't be getting our needs met. But wish to stay together regardless. If she is saying that she is only interested in staying if I meet her needs, we have a problem.