Taken all sorts of meds for depression. Nothing ever helped. Which makes sense if I have a personality disorder or addiction to misery.

Reading a book on misery addiction. Maybe it will have some suggestions.

As for personality disorder, there are no pills. The psychiatrist said I needed daily analysis sessions for several years to have any hope of recovery. After decades of failed IC, I don't have sufficient hope for success to be willing to invest that amount of time or money. I'd rather be miserable and only slightly insolvent than miserable and even more deeply mired in debt.

Of course, that is just my fear and negativity talking. If it worked, and I were more successful at my career, I could raise my income more than enough to pay for the therapy. It would be an investment in my future. But I don't want it badly enough. In fact, I don't want it at all. What I want is to remain unhappy.