Originally Posted by CWMI
RMJ, are you saying that you match his detachment with detachment of your own?

I am a fiercely loyal and loving person...on the flip side, I can also be fiercely unloving and completely not give a hoot (knock the dust from my shoes, walk away w/o a second thought). I don't think I'm capable of being in a marriage where I am detached from my spouse without finding an attachment elsewhere.

We've been snowed in all week. H didn't return to work until yesterday, so he was here for four straight days and it was really nice.

Oh, I definitely don't match his detachment, but I don't fret over his detachment like I used to, now that we know what is happening with him. Plus, he's working on trying to "feel" his emotions. As a child he learned to "stuff" his emotions as a survival/defense mechanism. From an MB perspective, he has a difficult time with O and H because he denies to himself what he is truly feeling. In the past few months, he's been able to begin acknowledging to himself just how angry he is over a number of things, where at one time he would have denied anger at all. Kinda like, "nothing's wrong, so there's nothing to deal with". But oh boy, he is annngggrryy. (Not necessarily at me.)

Like you I am loyal and loving. I refuse to be in a M with someone who is detached but not working on self. Fortunately, my DH is working on it. It is an extremely slow process, but given his experiences, completely understandable. I did have to create a safe environment where he can express himself freely and have to admit it hasn't been easy. MB has some great techniques on how to avoid LB's, DJ's etc and that has helped immensely in creating a safe place for my DH.

I personally would never recommend intentional detachment by a partner unless it's for Plan B, S or D. Intentional detachment, from what I've learned here, would be a slippery slope to an affair. I guess the MB principles are aimed at couples who are fully capable of intimacy as spouses. With some disorders, true intimacy is a challenge or might not even be attainable. In my M, my DH wants the emotional intimacy and he's willing to work hard to have it. For me, I accept that what my husband gives me emotionally is a big thing for him. It might not seem like a lot to me, but it is for him. That means very much to me.

With my DH's detachment, it's like comparing someone who is healthy to someone who is on oxygen. A healthy person can do everyday tasks with no problem, but a person on oxygen becomes exerted by doing normal activities. It's like that, but in the emotional realm.

What do you want CWMI? You mentioned earlier in your thread that Dr H recommended your DH see someone else. What if your DH is given a diagnosis of some type of personality disorder? What, if anything, are you willing to deal with in that spectrum? (you don't have to answer these ??? here, but they are questions an IC would ask you to think about)

For me in my own situation, I have decided to make a go of it even though my DH struggles with detachment. I had to figure out for myself what I was willing to deal with in my M and define what would be to me, a love bank attaboy, a love buster, a DJ, etc.

It's nice to hear that you enjoyed the time your hubby was home. That's a very positive sign.

Live, love, and laugh because the best is yet to come!