Writer, that is undoubtedly a big part of the problem. I understand that women are attracted to confident, positive and optimistic men. I have never been that. Never will be that. Hence my despair that any woman will find me attractive. Hence my extreme reluctance to leave Mrs. Hold, and my expectation that she will eventually choose to leave me.

MelodyLane posted on another thread:

What is your "mental illness" that prevents you from working on your marriage? You seem pretty coherent to me. And what are you doing to resolve it?

I am not doing anything to resolve it. That is why I view any attempt to improve my marriage pointless. I have to work on me first. And I don't want to work on me.

I see you as person who has a lot of complaints about his marriage but who has not tried the program here.

I don't have many complaints about my marriage these days. My complaints are with myself. MB cannot help me with that. Or put differently, for MB to work, I would have to be willing to change my own behavior. I am not willing to do that. Hence no point in implementing MB. I am only willing to talk, not to negotiate changed behavior.

And as for your comment that it is never too late, I disagree. Perhaps a person can always choose to improve themselves. But there is no guarantee that their spouse will stick around to wait for that. Or will remain open to reciprocating. Years ago I was open to changing if Mrs. Hold also changed (Renter mentality). Now I am not (Freeloader mentality). So it is now too late for Mrs. Hold to choose to work on our marriage. Because I am not open to becoming a Buyer. Much more work than I am willing to invest.

When you can see it coming, duck!