Hold, I used to make plans with my sister for the extended family, and then once we figured stuff out, she told our parents, and it was the same as you're describing, they were like, "That's not going to work," and then they decided something else. But my sister and I kept calling each other when it was time to plan, because somehow our parents would never make any decisions when we spoke to them, until we had a plan they could say Yes or No to. My mom kept saying, "Don't call [sister]!" It took until I got here with POJA to start trying different patterns. Now I decide with B what we're going to do, and then call them so they can say yea or nay Okay so I'm not there yet.

So I'm not surprised when DD does the same thing, makes plans without me, and leaves me to figure out which parts I am and am not enthusiastic with. If I'm just not there, like I'm at work, how can I participate in the planning when they're ready? I think the solution is to see these things as works-in-progress.

Like Hitch's W, your W is the one on the phone hearing the disappointment from the others, when she's not equipped to deal with that. Neither are you, it sounds like, but it doesn't affect you the same way, because you allow yourself to choose not the one listening to it on the phone. Where your W isn't allowing herself off the hook of being the mouthpiece.

I think it would help to reread Al Turtle's Passive Master stuff. No one wants to "be the bad guy."

So how about brainstorming some plans where everyone gets off the hook from being the bad guy? Maybe emailing a new invitation for what you all can do, saying sorry the other plans didn't work out. And that you feel bad already, so thanks for not giving me a hard time, too.