Hold, I am so sorry you are still where you are. I don't know what to say.

I have the luxury of my marriage not being "in my face" except on weekends, so I don't think I could have worked on myself as much as I have, in an ordinary situation.

Looking back, I had developed a huge aversion to my husband as a defense mechanism, and it wouldn't have mattered what he did or said I would have recoiled from it. I get that.

I so wish something could flip the switch for you. Yeah, I know it is easy for us to say YOU have to flip it for yourself, not so easy when you are yourself.

So hugs for now and a prayer that you will find your way, too.