CWMI, I am not going to talk about your husband's flaws. I'm not going to commiserate with you about what an awful person he is, and how terribly he has managed every decision, and how he is the reason your marriage is horrible.

I'm just not. Plenty of other people will, and that has it's place.

I'm going to focus on you, and what you are contributing. I'm going to talk about how your behavior may be interpreted in such a way that it doesn't help you get what you want. Which is honesty and successful POJA with your H.

Focusing on you does not in any way take away from anything your husband has or has not done.

With that in mind...

Have you actually tried to POJA your access to his work/e-mail etc? Have you ever talked to him about how he feels with regard to your past involvement with his work situation? Has he ever told you how he felt when you e-mailed Dude/called the secretary to check up on him/e-mailed his boss?

I cannot imagine him being enthusiastic about you ever doing that. I can also imagine him being nervous about it happening again. Can't you?

I would be. Even if the call to Dude was "about you", because it was "your families resources", it crossed a line. You know that, Dr. H already told you it was wrong.

But that wasn't the only time you stepped in, right?

Can you see how it might not feel safe for H to share open access with you? Can you see how he might not want to risk that again? Can you also see how it's possible that even talking with you about it would be hard? (Well, if he hadn't handled it that way, I wouldn't have had to do what I did...)

Furthermore, it is very hard to talk with someone who, even when they do something wrong, insists it is still your fault. It's hard to ever want to talk about anything openly and frankly.

If you want to POJA everything and anything with your husband, you MUST try to understand where he is coming from better. It can't be all about you and what you need (even if you think what you need is superior to what he wants, even if it IS superior), or you will never never never come to agreements that you both are GENUINELY enthusiastic about. And the arrangements will be destined to fail.