Originally Posted by holdingontoit
Hitchhiker: I sympathize with your situation. No fun when both spouses are unhappy with the family finances.

I agree. frown

As for the pure financial picture, my suggestion is that if you aren't brave enough to have the conversation with your wife, then you need to get another job so you can afford the life your wife wants to live. Then the FS problem will go away. Of course, you will probably have a DS or FC or lack of UA time problem to address, but maybe you will find those topics easier to address with Radical Honesty.

To be clear, while I do prefer to avoid conflict, I have repeatedly brought this issue up over the past couple of months. Initially I outlined a solid plan to pay down roughly half of our consumer debts by taking some profits on some investments and using a bonus and our tax refund, and then cutting down on monthly expenditures for approximately one year to pay off the remainder of the consumer debts. I outlined the entire plan, and enacted the plan last month, and have already paid down our debt by a third, and it will be down by half by the end of next month. However, we have since added to the total number over the past two months, by roughly half of the amount that resulted in paying down a third of the outstanding debts. I won't use real numbers here, but as an example, if I just paid down 10k in debt, we added 5k in the last two months.

My DW says that my lack of meeting her FC EN is my biggest problem right now, particularly not spending enough time with the kids, which is very hurtful to her. So, I'm creating a detailed plan to address this issue this week, and am already taking basic steps as of two days ago. I am skeptical though, as I said before, because I've been down this road before, and while I fulfill my end of the bargain, I don't see much reciprocation. With no reciprocation, I eventually stop trying, because my love bank gets too far depleted.

Some at this point may ask, why would your FC, particularly spending time with my children, be something that I stop doing? This is a hard question to answer. My first honest reason is that I have narcissistic tendencies and am therefore overly self centered. The second reason is that the more indebted we become, the harder I feel I have to work, in order to succeed, receive good raises, promotion opportunities, etc., in order to be able to service our debts. At this point, I already work 12 hour days, counting commute time, sometimes more. I leave the house at 7:00 AM and return at 7:00 PM M-F. Not much time left for FC by the time I get home factoring in homework, housework, etc. I've never been able to get DW to really clearly understand that the lack of FS for me makes it harder for me to meet her FC needs. My argument makes no sense to her given her own core values, so she cannot get her head around it best I can tell.

I am an IT Director by trade, so increasing my income would be difficult at this point. I'm already high on the pay scale by industry standards, and the next step up (CIO) is a doozy, I'd literally never be home. I see the hours my CIO keeps, the workload, and the politics she has to navigate. Quite frankly, I am not equipped to handle the political aspects of that job, I just don't have the skillsets. A jump into any other industry sector means a serious paycut, so that's not an option either. Much like you, I feel my options are limited, however unlike you, I do really like my current career.

As for how does a couple who fights over FS stay in love, surely you cannot expect me to have an answer to that. I can't even remember what it felt like to feel romantic love for my wife. Now, if you ask me how to keep the cold dark flame of frustration and resentment alive, THAT I can wax poetic on all day and night. But love? All I can do is refer you to that Tina Turner song from her Private Dancer album.

Good point. smile

God Bless,


All I want to do is learn to think like God thinks. , I want to know Gods thoughts; all the rest are just details. , When the solution is simple, God is answering. - Albert Einstein

INTJ married to an ENFJ