Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Hitch, please help me understand your situation. Your plan is to pay down debt, but you ran up new debt. Was that a joint decision? Or did your wife incur the new debt without seeking POJA? If the latter, and she is now SAHM, please explain why she still has access to credit? As you know, this issue bedeviled me for years. The only way I got resolution was to convince Mrs. Hold to give up all her credit cards. Pretty much the only debt we have run up the past few years has been by mutual consent.


HOLD, sorry for the delay in response, been busy at work. smile

Was the debt payment plan a joint decision? I thought it was, but in hindsight it was not. I put together a detailed email outlining my plan and get a very terse response indicating agreement, however what I do not get is any real negotiation or involvement on the part of DW. She literally has no interest, never has, I am far from certain she ever will. This is challenging for someone like me because I believe that knowledge is power, and that bringing awareness of our reality also helps with accountability. DW would rather just stick her head in the sand from what I can tell, and leave me to work miracles to resolve our financial circumstances. This has been our pattern to date for the most part, off and on as the pendulum swings.

She has access to credit mostly because she either takes credit cards from my wallet without agreement, or she opens new credit cards without my knowledge.

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I know it is not easy to ask for her to give up the cards. It took years for me to work up the courage. Learn from my mistake. Ask immediately. When she asserts that you are a control freak, do judo. Agree with her. Then ask for the cards. If she insists on keeping them, cancel them. Or if they are in her name, stop paying them. Yes, you will eventually be liable and it will hurt your credit. But if she is willing to blow up the family budget by overspending, and you don't want to meekly acquiesce in her misbehavior (like I did for so many years), then you have to draw a firm boundary. No payments until she hands over the cards or agrees to close the account. That means no joint checking account, and all your income goes into a separate account.


Understood, tough love in other words.

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Maybe you fear your wife will file for divorce if you take these steps. Unlikely but possible. I am guessing she will give you warning and you can back down if it comes to that. But I think some firmer boundaries will reap large dividends in your case.


Yes, this has been why I beat around the bush rather and don't take draconian steps like you took. She has threatened divorce in the past whenever I've made mention of taking more drastic steps to reign in her spending. This morning she is over at a family friend's house supposedly looking into full time work where our friend works, hoping to get an inside track. This is partially in reaction to a recent conversation we had where I basically indicated to her that we both have to work full time in order to stay afloat. She overlooked the fact that this isn't what I want, I want her to curb her spending and remain a SAHM, because historically when she works f/t it has been hard on our family unit because I work a lot and cannot contribute enough at home to meet her DS EN when she is also working. I reiterated these points this morning while commuting (we text each other quite a bit). Should make for an interesting conversation when I get home tonight.


God Bless,

HitchHiker

All I want to do is learn to think like God thinks. , I want to know Gods thoughts; all the rest are just details. , When the solution is simple, God is answering. - Albert Einstein

INTJ married to an ENFJ