I let some truth slip out today. Mrs. Hold was complaining that we don't have any fun together. I agreed. I offered to do more things that are fun. She looked at me strangely, as if she was doubting I could be fun now that I am old and such a curmudgeon. I told her I turned it off, but I can turn it on again. She again looked at me strangely. I told her that our lack of fun was partly on purpose. I used to like having fun with her. I enjoyed our dates. Unfortunately, when we have a great time together, I get horny. Eventually I realized our fun times together almost never lead to sex or even hugging or cuddling. That made the aftermath of those fun dates painful. To avoid the pain, I tried hard not to allow myself to enjoy our time together "too much". I pull back when I start to feel close to her.

You could see her whole demeanor change when I said the part about "I get horny and then we don't have sex and that is painful". I should have just said "let's have more fun" and left it at that. I am my own worst enemy. Yeah, like that is such a revelation!