Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I brought a grocery list, the coupon thing was just an oversight. Believe me I have numerous tools in my life to stay organized and remember things. As far as not accepting the abuse, what does that mean? If I say, "I won't let you speak to me that way", then what? In other words, what good will it do?

Well, you have to become willing to back it up.

For starters, when the conversation turns ugly like this, STOP! Try to gently change the subject to something else. If that doesn't work, end the conversation. Go to another room if you have to.

Tell her at calm times what she is doing that offends you. Be honest that you do not like the way she is talking to you. Tell her you need her to stop and you know of a program that can help (Marriage Builders) and tell her what is in this program for her.

She doesn't try and tear me down, it is the little disrespectful judgements and selfish demands all day that build up.

Yes, those hurt terribly. The tiny little drains on your lovebank (or hers!) add up over time. It's the habits that are devastating, more than the one-time events.

She is crafty at using them so that they don't really sound like an insult with purpose, but yet we both know they are.

Whoa! No you don't! You can't read her mind, and proclaiming that you can is a disrespectful judgment. Do not disrespectfully judge her motivations. Do not get into a discussion with her about what she MEANT; that's fighting DJ with DJ. Instead, just tell her that it offends you.

That SHOULD be enough for her, if she truly cares about you. There should not be a need for a long drawn out fight over whether or not you have the right to be offended.

It goes both ways, too. She doesn't need a reason to feel a certain way; it needs to be enough for you, her husband, that she DOES feel that way.

Whenever I do call her on it

This route is almost sure to lead to an argument.

A better approach is to tell her once, at a calm time, being radically honest, how you feel: you are hopeless and out of energy and the reason you feel this way is her disrespectful judgments, and you need them to stop.

Then, start practicing the behavior I am describing above in not tolerating DJs and not responding in the same way yourself. Tell her periodically if it is still a problem and ask her to look for help to do something about it. Tell her you know of this program.

she 100% of the time says, "You are just taking things the wrong way." She says it so much I start to wonder if I am until I reply it in my head and know for sure that they are insults.

That's crazy for you and her to have to deal with, and can only lead to a fight.

Are the insults meant to hurt me or rather to make herself feel better?

Who knows? Who cares? It doesn't matter? Don't waste time trying to judge your wife's motivations (and offend her in the process).

If one of you feels offended by something the other says, no matter what the reason, then the other should stop saying it. See if you and she can come to agree with this.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.