This is good stuff and yes I've implemented some of this already. I have a hard time not wearing my frustration on my sleeve. I admit I was honest and fired back a bit before getting a hold of myself and walking upstairs. I'm sure she didn't enjoy sitting by herself downstairs the rest of the night, particularly when I told her that it would be nice then if she could spend some time reading LB, and also that I told her I was going up to read Fall In Love Stay In Love! What happened, well she ended up reading which was a good thing. She clearly knows all about the giver and the taker, the Love Bank, etc.
She is gonna have a hard time with this, much harder than I will because her Taker has really been running unchecked for a long, long time. One thing I mentioned to her this morning as something I learned was that both of us were devaluing and not accepting each others feelings. We do it differently, but they are in essence the same thing. She won't accept my feelings of being hurt by her abuse, she just goes back to the "you take everything the wrong way" play book. She learned this probably 4-5 years ago, I kind of fell for it, maybe admitted that maybe I did so she's used it ever since. I on the other hand am disrespectful about what is important to her. I was promptly hand slapped in here for referring to my wife manufacturing projects and things to do around the house, then getting stressed when she can't get them all done as fruitless or not important. I'm extremely practical, she isn't so much. The fact that she spends countless hours shopping for stuff for the house even though the garage is full seems ridiculous to me, but I'll never disrespect her again about it. It IS important to her and if I judge her about it, then I am hurting her, that is a no no. Thanks again so much for the insight about your personal situation, it helps more than you know.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD