Originally Posted By: MrNiceGuy
Hilltopper .. Are you sure you read the emotional needs on this site? Has your wife read the emotional needs? The ones your describing (romance) (father) (handyman).. those are not terms of MB but I will help identifiy them for you.(Yes I've read them all!)

Romance - This need of your wife for romance falls under the 2 top emotional needs of women generally. Those being "affection" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html and "intimate conversation." (The affection is there from me, not from her. I make efforts to hug, kids, tell her I love her daily, she doesn't at the current time need any more affection.)http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html(I've made an effort and I told her this to look her in the eyes when she talks and take an interest in what she is saying. Its been better, but I'm still working on improving.)

To meet these needs you need to have 15 hours a week together aprox to fulfill this. (its 15 on MB but even i have a hard time with 15hours sometimes its 10 .. sometimes its 12 sometimes its 8. Her side of the "romance" is all non sexual .. make sure your affection does not have a sexual undertone in it otherwise its just displaying your need for sexual fulfillment.. there is a fine line there.(I hear ya on this point. I offered a massage which likely had a sexual overtone, btw there is no sex whatsoever, zilch. We spend about 2 hours at night after the kids to to bed, most of the time it is in front of TV watching the shows we both like together because we are so exhausted. I suggested scrabble instead but she kind of was down on the idea. I'm not confident right now knowing when to just "do things" vs "ask things". Maybe next time I won't ask I'll just setup the table and see how it plays out.)

Here is the link to the emotional needs questionair! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Print it out .. x2 .. then fill them out .. and exchange them. It makes it pretty simple.(will do, we have the workbook)

Father - Your wifes need for you to be a father is her need for "family commitment" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html Herre is a tip for you to teach your daughter to ride a bike .. and i used it on my own kids. Get a 2 wheeler that is too small for her .. remove the pedals and the shaft that goes in between .. and lower the seat so she stands higher than that bike. then get her to practice "coasting" and runing on it while sitting on the seat. My son and daughter both learned this way .. and it only took a few days with lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement from me.(Good idea)

Handyman - Your wifes need for you to be more handy falls in the category of "domestic support" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html(Domestically I'm a champ, I do more than any dad I know around the house. She has a specific desire for me to be good at fixing or building stuff. She never lets it go and often times "belittles" me about it because she knows it hurts me I assume. I can get better here.)

Read the links and print out the emotional needs questionaire and do them together and then exchange them and discuss.

I think her reluctance to try more is deriving from the focus on love busters. Get her on board with what resounds with her. Maybe print out some of the concepts for her that revolve around what she wants you to do and let her see if your doing them by compaing your "doing" with what Dr. Harley says falls into those categories that interest her. She may be more open to MB approcahing from it from what she will get out of it rather than focusing on the bad side of things. REading His needs her needs will really expand on the "good stuff" more so than the bad stuff like love busters does. I think with the love busters book ... its putting pressure on her to change bad behaviours .. but i think due to its negative undertone she is taking with it she is being reluctant because she cant see the light at the end of hte tunnel. Make it more about her and how your goin to do what Dr. Harleys articles suggest and point out her needs to her through Dr. Harleys terms. Then she will recognize more so what your doing .. and be able to compare your efforts to what the dr. Prescribes.(All of this is great and yes I'm sure she feels the negative undertone because she is guilty about not making the effort? I dunno, I guess this doesn't matter either. She mentioned actually getting two jars out that represents our love banks and putting notes in each time we do something that fills it up. That way it is easy to see who is doing what and I'm sure she'll feel bad if hers is full and mine is mostly empty you know? Any issues with this?)


You could bring up her need for romance .. and show her the articles on conversation .. and affection. And being with those to open the door to being the hubby she wants you to be.

Keep up the good work ... With my wife I had to point out more and more about what was in it for her and how I was to change rather than show her what she needed to change.

MNG

p.s. Vets If i am getting this wrong or mixed up .. plz let me know .. my posts get a bit long winded so i lose my train of thought often lol.

edit for spelling and a messed up link




Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD