Mrs. Hold offered to have "kissy face" this morning. Thursday is the day she doesn't have any exercise or Weight Watchers classes in the morning. At first I turned her down. Then I figured we could at least snuggle. One thing led to another. It started to work. Then it didn't. Mrs. Hold was very gracious. I, of course, feel like dung. Decades of rejection while I could function. Now she is willing and I can't. I want to punch my hand through a wall I am so frustrated. I hate myself for not following my first instinct and turning her down. Everything I ever wanted is there for the taking, but it remains just beyond my grasp. I feel like bashing my head against the wall until it is a soggy bleeding mess.

And of course it is tax season so I am swamped at work. Ugh. Thank goodness I warned my secretary and the lawyers who sit nearby that there will be NO birthday celebration for me this year. A couple of them reminded me yesterday that I am a spoilsport for not letting them celebrate. Exactly.