Well,
as I seem to be the only one who thinks to understand the wife's side, here goes: (my own very subjective opinion)

The wife is annoyed and irritated and doesn't feel her needs are being met. The husband: also annoyed and irritated and also feels his needs are not being met.

Hill, you remind me a bit of my husband (I know, subjectively)
You are obviously a person who thinks about things, and likes to analyze things, and you seem to be earnestly trying to understand her side as well. (which is good, but...)

On the other side, you seem to be telling your wife your take on things, and are telling her what she does wrong and what you are doing to improve things, while she isn't.
I know you are also aware of your own mistakes.

Your wife , on the other hand, seems to have zoned out, for whatever reason, may it be post-baby-stress (come on people, she has a 4-month old and on top of that a special needs kid), needs not met for a long time, broken nights, long-term stress, feeling the husband doesn't carry his weight, may it be true or not.

The sex thing:
I am going to point this out for you: l love sex. love it, love it love it, can't get enough of it. Cannot endure going without it for whatever time period. Period. Would love to do it 5 times a day and more, wherever, whenever, OK.

That's not the point. and I love my husband to bits. Cannot imagine a more perfect husband, honestly. And I never thought I would say something like this, but he is a person who likes to lecture. He can go on and on about things, and is always right, well, most of the time anyway and he is someeone who can see his own mistakes.

Well if we look at each other like 'that' as we often do, and go upstairs (or not) and he starts to lecture me, well I never thought I could be a person not to want to have sex, but it kills my mood. Really does. Instantly. And me being a person who is always in the mood. I have yet to refuse to have it, because I do not believe in that, but my enthousiasm needs time to bild up again. For me it maybe takes half an hour or a few minutes, or he is sorry, but now imagine I would not be such a sex freak......

Just hate to be lectured. Like he is my daddy, or teacher or something. Cannot stand it.

And eveything Hilltopper has said to this point, points out one thing. He is the lecturing type (subjective I know, forgive me when I am mistaken)

You cannot make a woman fall in love with you, by telling her what to feel, what to do, what she should have been doing all along and that she should not be feeling what she is feeling.

On top of that, from your responses, Hiltopper I get the impression, that your mood is a bit unstable at the moment. One moment you are full of hope, and everything is going in the right direction, and the other moment you want to quit marriagebuilding because it doesn't help.

Hold on a sec. You have a 4-month-old-baby too. You also have the broken nights and the stress and a stressed wife, as your wife has a stressed husband.

This will not work wonders whithin a week. Think long-term, and secondly, both of you need a break. It may not be possible now, but you have to have som other subject to talk about besides the marriage not going so smoothly at the moment.

Be realistic and if you are lecturing your wife, please stop it and let Steve H. lecture the both of you.

God bless, happyheart