Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
You could be right about it just being too many LB's. I assume you are referring to AO's based on something my wife wrote on her post because I've never discussed it here in this thread? I do get frustrated and clam up for sure.

Here's the thing. You need to address issues before they get to the point of frustration. If you get frustrated, you need to walk away and come back later. You still have to address them, though. Clamming up solves nothing, and in fact frustrates your wife, because she knows you have an issue and aren't addressing it.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I might even be angry at times, but AO's are definitely not something I do very often unless I'm being yelled at. In fact I think my wife would describe me as a very calm individual that thinks quite a bit before speaking.

She describes you as someone who "stews" over issues. Why are you thinking so much? Simple, you are readying yourself to fire off a disrespectful judgment. You want her "see things your way" when you commit to making a statement.

Holding off on speaking your feelings in a respectful manner until you are "being yelled at" is both being a conflict avoider, and being Dishonest by omission.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I say this next part knowing that this forum is not about trying to disprove the other spouse's argument ok? I tell you because it made me think of AO's and how they affect me in my marriage. My wife when she gets frustrated with me pointing out something that she's done or not done that is hurtful or makes me feel bad, she typically raises her voice just below a yell in frustration.

Then address how you "point it out." Quit trying to straighten her out, and simply state your feelings about a particular action. If she wants to argue about it, DON'T ENGAGE. Say, "I feel this conversation is no longer safe, and we will talk about it at another time." If she continues to bait the argument, walk away.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
My wife to my face has described me as having a temper which is pretty much way off the mark. I've seen a temper in some friends and so has she, I don't have one at all. I think she is referring to my habit of holding things in and then letting several out at one time rather than bringing them up right when they occur? I really don't know, I'm sure we'll find out.

Adam Sandler, Anger Management. That's what you sound like.

I hold things in because bringing them up historically gets shot down with my spouse telling me, "you are reading into things", or "you are overreacting", or "you shouldn't feel that way." In other words it has historically been pointless to bring anything up that bothers me so I just hold it in. If that means I'm dishonest and avoiding conflict, can you blame me? I am working on this clamming up however. I haven't seen that movie so I don't know what anger issues Adam Sandler had in that movie, maybe you can explain. Ever since someone on this forum suggested that "its not ok for her to tell me how to feel" I've felt good about it and empowered a little bit. My feelings about EN's or LB's are my feelings, no one else's.

Her reactions are Disrespectful Judgments.

Clear enough.

It's also not Ok for you to tell her how she should feel.

For instance;

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Sorry I'm a very literal person and I tend to debate things in literal terms.

This puts you in a DJ position with your wife. Because you are "literal and debate things in literal terms," you place the expectation on her to do the same. That is a Disrespectful Judgment.

You are here, this is your thread, you keep YOUR SIDE of the street clean, capice?

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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