What you are doing is "kitchen-sinking" your wife. You've both learned some bad habits over the years, and now is the time to start un-learning them.

One of the biggest is this idea that you either need to have an argument over something, or hold it in. There is a middle ground that CWMI described, and if she can do it (a woman who I can tell LOVES debate), then I bet you can do it as well.

Something that may help with this, is doing a drive-by. Walk up to her, say something nice, and then "honey, when you did X yesterday I felt really hurt. Could you please not do that anymore?" And then walk away. If she follows to argue, don't let it get started. Acknowledge anything that she says, but disengage.

If your wife is an arguer (as I am) she may try to give a reason (excuse) for her actions, but you need to stand firm without getting angry. Say "yes, I understand you have reasons for doing that, but I'm just letting you know that it hurts me."

The harder part of this is the reverse where she complains to you about something you've done. You need accept the information and let her know that you will do something about it. And no "yeah-butting". Yeah I did do that, but you deserved it because...