Also, note that she's saying this even dispite your completely insensitive comment last night.

You are one lucky man, Hill.

Thank that woman tonight for putting up with you, okay? Tell her, "Honey, I am so sorry. I know that I am not an easy man to live with. I don't know how you put up with me. I do not deserve you. Thank you for staying with me through all of this and for going so far last night to try to show your love for me."

Yep that is the exact plan!

Hey, Hill, we do a little something here at home when one of us wants to DJ or otherwise say something dumb. We each knows what it means, so we kinda get our point across without actually saying it, and it's a gentle lead-in when something really ought to be discussed. Plus, it serves as a great reminder of the Greater Point. It's three little code words: "I love you."

Maybe you could try that with grace. Talk to her first about it, so she knows it is not an avoidance thing. She says, what's wrong? And you say, I love you.

Here, my husband will come up with some plan I think is a bad idea. He'll say, "hey, I thought I'd rip the front porch off the house on Sunday, what do you think?" My immediate thought would be "are you nutz?" But my immediate words are, "i love you." and he knows I mean he's nutz.

It's like shorthand for "give me a minute so I don't say something I'll regret."

I have thanked her, apologized, and will continue to do so. Got her a card, sent her an E-Card, replied to her email, sent her a text a few hours ago. No response to any of it and frankly I can't make her respond. This is the communication thing I struggle with, I never know during good times or bad where I stand. I'm pretty sure I'm in the doghouse as of now, but the non-responding, or selective responding is difficult to read. I mentioned this to her yesterday. I send her a thoughtful text about wanting to get her something yummy to eat at the store, she ignored it. She sent me a different text which was a picture of the baby awhile later. She has the three kids and things get busy, but the communication breakdown makes it very difficult to even do something nice, you know? So today same thing, she emailed me and I replied. I sent her a text asking if she was doing ok and that I got blasted for my behavior on this post. No response. If I knew what she wanted whether it be super important or not so much, it would make things a lot easier because I'm still walking on eggshells. She has expressed irritation with some of my family members, some of her friends, some of our friends, etc. I can understand the stresses of the baby being a big cause of this and I've even told her that. Communication or lack there of and a lack of feedback on things I do good or bad means I'm operating in the dark. Pin the tale on the donkey. When I'm not clear about something I often ask her what she meant which is mostly answered with being irritated. The tone is, "well stupid you should have just known what I meant, get it fool?"

Why not call into the radio show or send Dr. H an email and he will answer it on his show (I believe you send it to his wife at jharley@marriageubuilders.com)?

Tell him exactly what you are going through, why you are suspicious and what you and your W have/have not done in order to calm your fears.

I'm inclined to believe that you will believe a professional on this and not stop obsessing until he gives you direction.

Thanks for the suggestion I'll think about that. The A thing is over. I see no reason for it and I've moved past it. My wife has been open and honest with me about everything. I think other Vets on this site have seen that she has nothing to hide either. I struggled for awhile because I was encouraged to "snoop" on many occasions. I wasn't getting any affection or SF. Then my wife was asked once or twice is she was being truthful about having an affair. I described my wife's reaction to the first time I confronted her, and especially the second as "angry denial". This description caused more Vets to think something was up. It was just ridiculous from the beginning and still is. All you need to know is that it is over, I trust my wife is being truthful, I've told her this. It doesn't mean she won't be mad or hurt for whatever time frame that takes for her, but it does mean that there is no doubt whatsoever that my wife wants to meet my EN's and me hers. This is a process and admittedly as a very impatient man I will hour by hour and day by day do what I need to do in my yard as that is all I can control. From what I've seen I think she intends on doing the same.

Have patience Hill ... yes shes mad at you and rightfully so. She will need a few days to re collect her thoughts on your behaviour from last night.

DONT hound her ... DONT glare at her .. No DJ or AO or SD's. And DO NOT give her your "stewing face" Just let it all slide off your back right now OK? Keep being nice and meeting her needs. Maybe pour her a bath and bring her some wine and put on her favorite CD in the bathroom for her and lite some candles in there too ... then YOU put the kids to bed ... read them bed time stores .. and rock the little one to sleep. If ya got a baby swing ... use that! .. Both my kids loved the baby swing and had many naps in it! This will give her a chance to wind down ... dont ASK her if she wants you to do this .. just do it! And when she gets out offer her a backrub to help her relax and let her go to sleep with no "alterior motives" ok?

Time to SLOW DOWN and let the MB program help your wife shift gears.

My DH accused me several years ago of sleeping with someone else. I would classify my response as total horror that then went to angry denial. And, he stewed over my transgression for a WEEK before he brought them up. Once I got over the pain I was pissed.

We moved past it, but it took me a while.

Have y'all POJA'ed the response time to your contact? My DH and I did - if I'm at work and he calls on my cell, I call back at the next break. If he calls on my work line, I answer, because it's an emergency. If he emails me at work, I answer within 30 minutes, if he emails me at home, then it's within 24 hours. Calls on my cell when I'm not at work are answered or if he has to leave a message I get back with him within 15 minutes unless I've told him I'll be out of touch (i.e. riding my horse, traveling somewhere that service is patchy, etc...). It made him a lot more comfortable with the time it takes me to respond. And, I always let him know my schedule for the week - If I'm going to be away from my desk all day at work then he knows that, or if I'm going to be riding my horse all day and not have my phone, he knows that.

His calls are my #1 priority when I'm not at work, at work if he needs me then he's still #1.

Hey, Hill,

let me just point out to you,

your wife is still posting here.


I just wanted to point that out.

Hilltopper, I notice you say "It bothers me," a lot ... do a lot of things bother you? Little things that maybe wouldn't bother most other people?

Just a phrase I use man, no need to read into it. And no, I'm typically not bothered by much at all really.

The king of "stewing" gives the advice "no need to read into it."

Come on, guy.

Then why do you say it? I'm not trying to split hairs, but you may unknowingly be saying this a lot more than you realize. "It bothers me" is usually the beginning of a negative statement. Your listeners hear it and may accordingly begin to prepare their defense against this thing that bothers you as soon as they hear that phrase. Drop it if it's just a figure of speech. It won't help you.

Markos, not trying to be snarky in any way� just want to understand� how, unless someone points this out to us, do we learn what little things that bother us that wouldn�t bother most people?

I ask because I am learning that about myself. My best bosses are the kinds of guys whose nitnoid habits (like wanting their stuff a certain way) annoys my coworkers but I love because I totally understand what the bosses want being that I�m the same way. And I don�t have a problem with them telling me how they want something. So these two bosses love my work. Until I got in this situation, where I constantly hear my coworkers complain about XYZ, I never realized that things I want or the way I like to do things is annoying to others. Or that the things that bother/annoy me about others wouldn�t bother �most other people.�

So how would Hilltopper even know if things that bother him don�t bother most other people? He says "It bothers me," a lot, but then says very little bothers him. Maybe, like me and my bosses, he doesn�t realize how he appears to others (and his wife), or how very much these "little things" bother him?

It doesn't matter one bit whether anything bothers 'most people'. Hill and grace are in this marriage, and the ONLY thing that matters is what bothers them.

QFT

I am not finding fault with him being bothered, or with him saying he's bothered!

My theory is that he genuinely IS bothered and that it's not just an expression.

More later, I hope, gotta run ...

Look I'm just trying to avoid LBs and meet ENs in my backyard, that's all I can do. It takes some forethought and discipline which I can do.

Wife said she's still mad. I don't blame her but I think it best to give her some space for a night until she's ready.

Or make yourself available for her to express her feelings, shut up and listen, and let her talk. DO NOT OFFER YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE. DO NOT OFFER ANYTHING YOU ARE READING HERE.

Just listen!