Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I sent her a note in the afternoon about "if I put all the kids down tonight and pick up some bath salts on the way home would you be open to taking a bath with me?"

Sounds like a good way to word a thoughtful request, but your follow-through turned it into a demand, Hilltopper!!!!!!

Remember the key part of a thoughtful request is to be willing to accept "no" for an answer. You are showing some reluctance to take "no" for an answer.

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She sent a note back, "honestly I'm too tired." We had stayed up late, reasonable request

Screech to a halt right there, Hill! Please don't ever let your wife hear you say "reasonable request" again. Marriage Builders doesn't teach anything at all about reasonable requests. It's not in there.

It doesn't matter what your wife's reasons are or if they are reasonable or make sense. What matters is how she feels. It doesn't matter why she's too tired, what matters is she feels tired!

By commenting on whether her request is "reasonable" or not, you are setting yourself up as the judge of whether your wife is being rational or not. Did you catch that word, "judge"? You are committing a disrespectful judgment. You blew it, guy, I'm sorry to tell you. She's withdrawn now because of your disrespectful judgment. The faster you admit this mistake and own up to it, the faster you guys can get back on track.

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She did make one sarcastic comment last night about the previous night which stuck which was, "well I gave you SF last night and met your needs" as if to say "I gave you loving now I get to take the day off from MB and you should consider yourself lucky."

Frankly, Hill, I think you SHOULD consider yourself lucky. You have a real problem being disrespectful, and your wife is STILL striving hard to meet your emotional needs. You are a pretty lucky guy with a real winner of a wife, and you should TELL her that.

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She through in a "I can't stand you" comment for good measure.

Of course she can't stand you when you are disrespectful.

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How long do I let things blow over and calm down?

Very disrespectful wording. It's just a little thing to you, she's just being irrational, and you just need it to "blow over."

Go face your disrespectful screwups. It'll help. smile

I didn't mention the bath ever again or imply that I was even disappointed about it actually. What demand did I make? My text back after the tired comment was exactly this, "Agreed. Totally understand. Are those rolls still left over for turkey sandwiches?" Then she mentioned, "Baby is a terror" in a reply. I sent back the following, "Its ok I got that little bugger tonight! Kids down at 730, wife drink sleepy tea I got, hubby do his thing while wife go upstairs and crash to recharge."

I didn't mention anything about a "reasonable request" to my wife at all. I was suggesting to you all that I felt her not wanting to take a bath because she was tired was a very reasonable request in my head which is why I went to the sleepy tea plan.

The comment she made about giving me SF the night before was her comment to me and it was intended, I believe but I could be wrong, to let me know that she gave me SF and therefore she can treat me any way she wants.

I'm asking you how long I should let us both chill out before speaking again. What am I missing here? You said give her space, I trust that is the right thing to do, so how long do I wait to communicate again to avoid the fight scenario?

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD