CWMI, I've been musing for a couple of days on how to ask you something. I can't quite figure out the words. I guess what I want to know is -- are you still wanting to try to keep your side of the street clean? Because there are lots and lots of Disrespectful Judgments coming through, here. As a king of Disrespectful Judgments, myself, I know how hard it is sometimes to be aware of them when we are talking and writing to and about our spouse.
Prisca hit a point last year where she wanted to give up on the Marriage Builders program. One major reason for that was a feeling of lack of progress. We had done all this work and reading and discussion about love busters -- and I was still having them! I was still having angry outbursts! In fact, I was AOing with increasing frequency and intensity using our lack of progress as my excuse. Of course that was no excuse for abusing my wife. The fact that she was still massively DJing me was also no excuse. But it did allow us to blame each other as we watched our marriage descend in flames.
When you have a "reluctant spouse," what brings them on board is the feeling that they are going to GET SOMETHING out of Marriage Builders. And they should get something! They should see the Love Busters diminish and disappear; they should see their needs met with increasing regularity and finesse.
If they see the DJs or the AOs continue without letting up substantially, they may rightly conclude that they were being manipulated and that there is nothing for them to gain out of this program.
Remember the foundation of Respectful Persuasion? Show your spouse what's in it for THEM if they adopt your belief? (i.e., your belief that this program could help your marriage if followed)
I'm pretty sure you know this, but you are constantly DJing your husband, here.http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
If you are thinking, "I'm right and you're wrong," watch out! You are just an utterance away from disaster. The Love Buster, disrespectful judgments, will not straighten your spouse out, as you hope. Instead, it will drive your spouse away from you. At first, you will develop emotional distance with your tactics. ... Your spouse's point of view is worth considering.
I can think of some great reasons for you to adopt a policy of no tolerance towards disrespectful judgments from yourself in your marriage:
* It might persuade your husband that this program helps and is worth following.
* Disrespectful judgments are abusive, no matter what abuse your target may have committed.
* It's only fair. You wouldn't like to be subject to DJs. Do unto others?
* Taking DJs out of your vocabulary makes you a better parent. In fact, it makes it easier to relate to people of all ages, no matter what you want to do in life.
* You will never get what you want with DJs. They simply do not work. They make the problem worse. It's like scratching an itch until you've drawn blood and continuing to scratch it instead of putting some kind of ointment on it.
* Even if nothing else ever changes, it will make you a lot happier in life.
It is some work to eliminate DJs. But it is not a sacrifice. It makes you a better you.