Originally Posted by CWMI
"There are no hopeless cases, but there are those where the person has chosen not to follow the program." From the radio show.

Hy H has chosen to see the program as a manipulation tool and discarded it on that basis after six months of working directly with SH. I'm done putting lipstick on a pig. He does not think he should have to consider my feelings, because doing so is manipulating and controlling.

Again, why should he see the program as anything but manipulation? After all, you come here time and time again saying how broken (my paraphrase) your husband is. So why wouldn't he see the program as nothing more than your attempt to fix your husband?

Furthermore, since you perpetrate on him the same sorts of things you complain about, why would he see this as anything other than manipulation?

I believe you are trying to manipulate us, saying how bad your husband is so we will side with you.

So I can totally understand why your husband would view this as manipulation. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your husband. It means he's more perceptive than you give him credit.

You cannot complain about his behaviors on one hand and excuse the same types of behaviors when perpetrated by you. If your standard is you want him to accept how you feel, then you have to also be willing to accept and permit him to feel and think differently.

You are not willing to do that based on what I've seen you write.

You blame him for not wanting to do the program. But what have you demonstrated as a benefit to him of participating in the program?

Have you picked something you think he wants, or have you picked from his list of things he wants and said the program will address your complaint about X, Y or Z?

It's likely he has chosen not to participate in the program because he finds YOUR application of the program to be manipulative and of little or no benefit to him, or provide no hope to address his complaints about the relationship.

Even if he's all the things you say about him or more, wouldn't he be willing to engage in the program if you made a credible case about how it would improve his life? Of course it would. If he's all about himself, then you have the perfect carrot to offer. The program will address things in the marriage that he complains about, making things better for him.

Since he doesn't see the program in that fashion, and sees it as manipulation, he sees the program as you viewing him as defective and that all the work and none of the benefit goes to him.