Originally Posted by CWMI
Absolutely, markos. I believe in MB, and I believe it takes two to work.

You're absolutely right about that, no bones about it. It doesn't work unless both people come on board.

My H *pretends* to meet my needs "There's no travel! I can't get online access! I booked our weekend away!" and it's LIES, markos. I'm not talking about some guy who flounders or forgets to pick up milk. I'm talking about someone who consciously and intentionally lies to continue a fantasy where he is perfect.

You're absolutely right, that is what HE is doing that is ruining your marriage.

But again, can we talk about what YOU are doing? The problem with having a reluctant spouse is that you can't get them on board when you've got blind spots that justify continuing in the behaviors that are bothering them.

Yes, that's a DJ. It is also sadly, my life.

The thing about disrespectful judgments is that there was always a respectful way to say the same thing, without being disrespectful or judgmental at all. You have a choice. You can talk about the problems and the things he is doing wrong without committing a DJ. You don't have to show us how bad it is by your language. We know how bad it is. You can talk about it without going over the top.

As an example, I thought that paragraph was pretty good, but "continuously" is hyperbolic. When I get hyperbolic like that, I know that Prisca is going to feel that I am being disrespectful. Because I am!

And "to continue a fantasy where he is perfect" is your own judgment of his motivation. No matter what tests you have given him, it is disrespectful to try to tell someone what they think like that.

Instead of
I'm talking about someone who consciously and intentionally lies to continue a fantasy where he is perfect.

You can instead say:

My husband has repeatedly lied and is telling me all the blame in our marriage lies with me, and I am hopping mad about that.

No assertion that he continuously lies. No judgment of why he's doing it. Just a relation of cause and effect: he has lied, he is blaming you, and it makes you mad.

If you tell yourself that you have no choice but to be disrespectful, you will continue to justify your abusive responses to his behavior. But it's not true that you have to respond this way, and it's not true that you have to talk this way when you describe your marital problems.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.