You're absolutely right about that, no bones about it. It doesn't work unless both people come on board.


You're absolutely right, that is what HE is doing that is ruining your marriage.

But again, can we talk about what YOU are doing? The problem with having a reluctant spouse is that you can't get them on board when you've got blind spots that justify continuing in the behaviors that are bothering them.


The thing about disrespectful judgments is that there was always a respectful way to say the same thing, without being disrespectful or judgmental at all. You have a choice. You can talk about the problems and the things he is doing wrong without committing a DJ. You don't have to show us how bad it is by your language. We know how bad it is. You can talk about it without going over the top.

As an example, I thought that paragraph was pretty good, but "continuously" is hyperbolic. When I get hyperbolic like that, I know that Prisca is going to feel that I am being disrespectful. Because I am!

And "to continue a fantasy where he is perfect" is your own judgment of his motivation. No matter what tests you have given him, it is disrespectful to try to tell someone what they think like that.

Instead of
You can instead say:


No assertion that he continuously lies. No judgment of why he's doing it. Just a relation of cause and effect: he has lied, he is blaming you, and it makes you mad.

If you tell yourself that you have no choice but to be disrespectful, you will continue to justify your abusive responses to his behavior. But it's not true that you have to respond this way, and it's not true that you have to talk this way when you describe your marital problems.