Originally Posted by markos
There's a number of problems with some counselors, and you have to know what approach you're getting. Some are so bad as to encourage you to end your marriage so that you can be happy! Others follow all kinds of ineffective approaches.

I 110% agree with you. I knew exacty what i wanted from counseling and what I would and wouldn't accept as "advice" thanks to all I've read and learned on this site. My counselor has never once mentioned (or probably thought of mentioning) anything ridiculous like "trial separation" or "divorce". She knows my goals and simply helps me reach them, but as you've said there ARE TERRIBLE counselors. You definitely have to know how to identify them.

Originally Posted by markos
The anger management field is particularly bad about that. There are all kinds of failed approaches out there that are still going strong, like teaching people to "express their anger appropriately" or having them "vent" to try to "get it all out" by punching a pillow or screaming or raging or such (which just reinforces the habit of anger, intensifying the problem) or trying to resolve issues from their past or get in touch with their inner child. None of these work. At least, that's what my anger management therapist tells me! smile And Dr. Harley agrees with him, apparently.


Originally Posted by markos
If a counselor knows how to eliminate the problems of Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and Angry Outbursts, knows how to teach new habits to replace these, then that could be very helpful. If the counselor is told this is the goal up front, and actually has a past track record of effectiveness dealing with these, and doesn't go on a fishing expedition to try to get to the "real problem" behind the problem or whatever. On that note, I think Hilltopper could really benefit from calling up Steve Harley, alone, and saying "I have a problem with Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and Angry Outbursts; can you help coach me through a plan to eliminate these?"

You and I are on the same page! grin

Originally Posted by markos
I'm not sure that any of us has enough insight to read Hilltopper and judge his motivations this deeply. He may simply not know how to do what you are saying, yet, so saying that he is unwilling to is a little bit more than I think anyone can say.

You're correct, and it was wrong to judge. I should have stated my observation in a different way. My apologies Hilltopper. And Markos while I agree that 2 weeks is a short amount of time to say "I need more help", honestly I wish I had asked for extra help earlier in my own process. That's why I opted to share the idea.

Last edited by Fireproof; 05/09/11 07:19 PM. Reason: TOS let's stick to Marriage Builders please


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