It is not a DJ to tell your spouse that they are LBing you. The stuff about him lacking empathy are WORDS FROM HIS OWN MOUTH. The NPD stuff is from his own self-reported quiz. That I did not demand he take.

I don't think I really need to get into his DJs, his attempts to 'straighten me out.' When he says these things to me, I respond with things like, "I just told you that it hurt me. Why would you say it didn't?" That's not a DJ.

It's not a DJ to desire that your spouse get help if they need it, and thoughtfully request that they do. He had a tough day yesterday, so he came home and vacuumed the top of the door frames. I'm torn--I do think we should have self-soothing strategies, and there are certainly worse ones than cleaning, but it has so often come with verbal abuse that I brace when he takes out the cleaning stuff. He's read up enough on OCD to know that it's a self-soothing thing, so I'm frustrated that he still claims he can't relax because we/I neglected to leave the bathroom spotless or didn't dust the top of the door.