You need to identify what triggers you. From the outside looking in, it looks like you fly off the handle with DJs when your wife doesn't meet your demands. And yes, demanding that she meet your EN and refusing to allow her to say "no" is STILL a demand and abusive.

Why do you Demand that she meet your EN when she doesn't feel like it? Is it your right to have your needs met? Do you deserve to have your EN met at her expense?

You are also big on making assumptions, which you have already identified.

Not too long ago, I was the DJ Queen. I believe I have successfully eliminated them, and I can tell you what I did. Dr. Harley has forms for this, as well, and I suggest you fill them out. Your plan needs to be tailored to you, and it needs to be approved by your wife. Your plan also has a deadline, a time frame that your wife agrees on. If you do not successfully eliminate the DJs by the deadline, you need to both agree what you will do to get outside help -- I suggest you contact the Harleys at that point.

Here's what I did:
1. Shut up
2. Eliminate anything that causes me to dwell on Markos' mistakes and that would reinforce DJs in my mind (journaling, venting)
3. Empathize with Markos

The first step is SHUT UP. When you find yourself irritated with your wife, when you start thinking that she SHOULD do this or SHOULD do that, when she's not doing what you want, when she's expressing an opinion you don't agree with and never would, then SHUT UP. Don't say anything. Just listen.

You also need to eliminate ANYTHING that causes you to dwell on your wife's mistakes. Do you journal? Cut it out. Do you vent? Cut it out. Do you keep score? Cut it out. Anything that lets you focus on her mistakes rather than on the progress she is making.

Then, empathize with your wife. Does she have a right to feel the way she feels? Is the way she feels valid (the answer is always YES, btw). Is the way she sees things equal to your view? (YES). Why is she feeling the way she feels? You need to work on seeing things from her point of view, and accepting that her point of view is just as valid as yours. Do not make assumptions. Do not demand that she just do what you want. UNDERSTAND her.