Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
May I ask what a deadline range might look like? I don't want to make it unrealistic, but I also don't want to make it too long.
Dr. Harley says that when you have gone 4 weeks without a DJ, you have eliminated them. I would put 4 weeks from today down as my deadline.

Here's what I did:
1. Shut up
2. Eliminate anything that causes me to dwell on Markos' mistakes and that would reinforce DJs in my mind (journaling, venting)
3. Empathize with Markos

The first step is SHUT UP. When you find yourself irritated with your wife, when you start thinking that she SHOULD do this or SHOULD do that, when she's not doing what you want, when she's expressing an opinion you don't agree with and never would, then SHUT UP. Don't say anything. Just listen.

Haven't had a chance to test this yet as I haven't been irritated about anything. A lot of this has to do with how I view things differently.
You don't need to test it. You are making your plan right now. Write it down on your plan and DECIDE that you are going to follow it.

You also need to eliminate ANYTHING that causes you to dwell on your wife's mistakes. Do you journal? Cut it out. Do you vent? Cut it out. Do you keep score? Cut it out. Anything that lets you focus on her mistakes rather than on the progress she is making.
No journaling, venting, or score keeping. She can do whatever she wants, I'm really trying to eliminate doing the same things that got me in to trouble before.

You've kept score in the recent past, Hill. Your plan needs to acknowledge that.

And I don't believe that she can do whatever she wants. You have been demanding, and demands do not allow your spouse to say "no."

Then, empathize with your wife. Does she have a right to feel the way she feels? Is the way she feels valid (the answer is always YES, btw). Is the way she sees things equal to your view? (YES). Why is she feeling the way she feels? You need to work on seeing things from her point of view, and accepting that her point of view is just as valid as yours. Do not make assumptions. Do not demand that she just do what you want. UNDERSTAND her.

Did that this morning actually. She said she felt overwhelmed about the house. I didn't try to "fix the problem" like I usually do to eliminate her feeling overwhelmed. She doesn't like that. I merely told her that "I get it."

Are you going to put it on your plan?

This plan needs to be written down. It needs to have detailed steps, such as I suggested. And it needs to be presented to your wife for approval.

So what does your plan look like at the moment?

Disrespectful Judgements: Starting today I am eliminating DJ's from my life. Specifically eliminating the following below, feel free to add as you see fit:

1. Sarcastic comments
2. Lecturing
3. Preaching
4. Assuming
5. Not keeping score

Dishonesty: Starting today I am eliminating dishonesty from my life. Specifically eliminating the following below, also add as you see fit:

1. Not expressing my feelings to you

Selfish Demands: Starting today I am eliminating selfish demands from my life. Specifically eliminating the following below, add as you see fit:

1. Not asking for anything that you are not enthusiastic about.
2. Not asking for things that cause me to gain at your expense.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD