Originally Posted by aBetterMe
Hi Hill,

I rarely have time in the evening to spend online, but I wanted to drop in and apologize for being harder on you initially than I should've been. I only recently started commenting on your thread but I've been reading both yours and Grace's since the beginning and I find it difficult to not feel passionate about your situation when I see so many similarities to my own.

I empathize so much with your wife because I have been in her shoes. Scared, withdrawn, lacking confidence and self-esteem. And of course, I was responsible for some of the damage to my marriage and am in no way a guiltless party. In a way, I want to cram everything I've learned over the last year into the last month of your own journey so you can avoid my mistakes and reach your goals faster, but this is unrealistic and unfair to you. You have your own journey to map out.

The best advice I could give anyone is to listen and take to heart the words and wisdom of the vets here. I have always been amazed at their ability to see situations for what they are and offer guidance that is dead on. I can't tell you how many times people have said in hind sight "I wish I had listened to and followed the advice I was given. How do I repair the damage I've done now?"

Don't let that be you.

You guys have a REAL chance at success, but you have to follow every part of the program.

Thanks for the kind words. When I started this journey at the beginning of this year I was frustrated about not feeling that my wife wanted, needed, or loved me. I felt shut out of her life completely and I didn't know why. It is funny you mention being scared, withdrawn, lacking confidence and self-esteem, because the person you are describing is me. I have so little confidence and self-esteem that I developed the habit of not asking my wife for anything at all. I was terrified of rejection, was walking on egg shells, and began to withdraw myself here and there to protect me. It is not in my nature to be a withdrawn person for long periods of time so inevitably I would demand things from my wife because I was desperate for them. I was so lacking of confidence and completely insecure in fact that I conjured up a possible A and accused my wife four times about it without evidence. All I knew is that I was lonely and feeling unwanted or needed.

The process at which I went about trying to get what I wanted from my wife was unfair to her, but I didn't have any skills to go any other way about it. I'm learning those skills by listening to the radio show, filling out the workbook, reading LB, etc. It is a process and I'm getting better at this. I still however feel scared, lacking confidence, and have low self-esteem, but I have become less withdrawn because I now know I can always ask my wife "how she is feeling", "are you mad at me?", or similar questions rather than guessing all the time. Anyway, thanks for the note.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD