Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So hug my wife without asking? I usually do this time but she was blow drying her hair so I figured no big deal. My wife wants to postpone meeting needs. I'm not enthusiastic about this. I can understand her not being ready to meet my needs until I show her that I can avoid LBs consistently. The part that feels awful though is that she is ok without having her needs met from me. If that is me being too emotional about this then fine tell me so and I'll grab a bucket of ice water. Remember I came here more than anything because I felt my wife didn't need me so anything related to this topic is extremely sensitive. I'd like to negotiate here because although the most imortamt thing for me is to avoid LBs, I don't think the MB an suggests that you intentionally postpone meeting a spouses needs. What do you think?

I'd be emotional about that, too.

What's happening is that your wife is in withdrawal. Review one of the Basic Concepts, the three states of mind in marriage:


People don't last in withdrawal long; the move from withdrawal to conflict. When she gets back into the state of conflict, she will be willing to have her needs met, but her instincts will be telling her NOT to meet your needs, and she will have trouble overriding that.

In fact, it sounds like this morning, your wife would have been willing to have had her needs met by you: she wanted a hug. No biggie, you just made a wrong assumption in not hugging her, so that chance went past. Hang on, and make a point of giving her a hug tomorrow.

You are right that Marriage Builders advocates not postponing meeting needs, but it does say that both spouses need to be enthusiastic about the way in which it was done and that both spouses need to take "no" for an answer. Right now this is crucial for you.

You are right that Marriage Builders advocates not postponing meeting needs. So, YOU need to make a point of not postponing meeting her needs. Meanwhile, in order to avoid demands, you need to make a point of not putting any pressure on her to meet your needs. Meet her needs and avoid love busters, and you will see that she becomes more willing to meet your needs. As time goes by she will be working her to put together a plan to do just that!

Don't try to educate her about what Marriage Builders calls for. That's a Disrespectful Judgment! You are trying to avoid those. (Maybe put "Don't try to educate my wife about Marriage Builders" in your plan. wink ) Just keep meeting needs and avoiding love busters, which will make this entire system seem more and more attractive to her and will make her want to meet your needs.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.