Remember rule number one for you, Hill:

Calm down.


Okay, you have got to get to the point where

NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES

you do not commit one DJ, EVER.

You have got to get to the point where even if she DJs you, you do not DJ her.

One of the fundamental things I learned last year that was a big revelation for me was that abuse does not justify abuse. Disrespectful judgments are marital abuse. It will make it easier for Grace to feel positively about you, your marriage, and the Marriage Builders program when she knows that you are going to protect her from you abusing her NO MATTER WHAT, even if she slips.

If you can't work that out, I would seriously get on the phone with Steve Harley ALONE and ask him for some help.


It would probably be a good idea for you to do that, too. In fact, the three abuse chapters in Love Busters: SDs, DJs, AOs (because they are all related). And the SD, DJ, and AO sections on this site under Basic Concepts AND under the Q&A section. And maybe search around for some old radio shows on the topic, too.

I am betting the number one thing that might help you is to practice what Dr. Harley recommends to control Angry Outbursts: practice learning to relax in response to frustration. Get by yourself for a few minutes, a few times every day, turn out the lights, close your eyes, and relax every muscle in your body. Then after you've done this for a few days, start following up on the relaxation by thinking about a frustrating situation WHILE STAYING RELAXED. Think about the situation and practice staying relaxed while thinking about a trigger that frustrates you.

Over time this will help you learn to keep your cool.


If you let even one single DJ fly, and you did, then the way to dig out of this hole STARTS with you going to her and apologizing to her and not making any reference at this point to her side of it. Any reference you make to her side of it will be perceived as disrespectful on her part and will invalidate your apology and will prevent this from working.

You've done damage, now is time for damage control.

You abused her (you were disrespectful).

Your abuse was not justified by the fact that she was abusive.

Keep the issue of her abuse and your abuse separate. Work on your abuse: apologizing for it, atoning for it, eliminating it. This is the only path to a better marriage in which she will WANT to keep improving her side as well.


I don't think she's likely to want to negotiate anything right now. And if she did agree to this, it would likely become a trap for her: next time this happens, you might feel like it's time to do the reset exercise, and she might feel too wounded to go through with it, and if you feel frustrated about that you might abuse her; you will already have the adrenaline flowing through your system and will be likely to lose control.

Get a short circuiting exercise going for YOURSELF: some way to reset YOURSELF, calm down, relax, disperse the excitement and frustration and adrenaline flowing through your system. Focus on your own side of this because our tendency is always to incorrectly magnify our partner's faults and minimize our own. Apologize for what you've done and offer to do something nice for her to make up for it. And take NO for an answer if that is how she feels right now; just offer again later, until she feels better.