Okay, I've read the beginning, and I've glanced through the middle, but I want to go back to the beginning.

Basically, you were a jerk. The rest of it is why you think it was okay to be a jerk.

Here's the truth: it's never okay to be a jerk, for any reason. Even if your wife isn't meeting your needs, even if you're not sure things are working, even if she's being a jerk to you ... it's never okay to be a jerk. In fact, it's abusive.

No matter what you plan to do, no matter what you think is or isn't going to happen, you need to do something about the fact that you were a jerk.

Here is what I suggest for a START:

"I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. How can I make it up to you."

Put some space in between those sentences; those are bullet points; build around them.

You may not believe that meeting your wife's emotional needs will result in getting your needs met. You may be right, maybe not. But I will tell you one thing for certain: you using tools like disrespect and anger will absolutely ensure that your needs do not get met long time. If you ever get what you want that way, it will be short term, and it will generate so much resentment that you may never get them met again, and you may even cause an aversive reaction to be associated with meeting your needs.

This doesn't get better until you put the weapons down. (SDs, DJs, AOs) It will not get better. No matter what comes next in your plan, step number one needs to be to put those down. Otherwise all you are dealing with is mutually assured destruction.