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Originally Posted by Prisca
Hilltopper ...
I like you ... you seem like a guy who desires nothing but the best for his family ...

but ...

KNOCK IT OFF!

You are not currently following the program. This program will not work unless you follow it.

You've got a wife who is on board and willing to give it a try ... for the moment. The only person who can't seem to see that is you.

You are going to find yourself in this same hellhole (or worse) a year from now unless you get yourself under control. The abuse and pity parties have GOT TO STOP.

When you were going through this did the phrase KNOCK IT OFF really get you motivated? Markos uses much of the same terminology so that must have been something that really worked well for both of you. It would be amazing if we could minimize the fire and brimstone approach and focus on the positives of doing the right things if thats ok. My wife and I are gonna focus on spending time together ok? She's on board, I'm on board. If you prefer to get frustrated with me and tell me to KNOCK IT OFF then that is your prerogative but I'm inclined to run the other direction. Don't take offense to this request. I'm not suggesting you don't have experience in telling me what needs to be done, I'm just saying I for one don't respond positively to this approach. smile


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Hill i listenend to your radio show .. I think you got some great advice from them. I also did hear that they are sending you the two books HNH and HNHN for parents. The one for parents was very helpful. Both are actually .. but since your a parent you will find the one for parents most benificial of the two... but read them both! Dont forget to watch those videos! they are informative .. and humerous at the same time, as well as making great points.

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Hill i listenend to your radio show .. I think you got some great advice from them. I also did hear that they are sending you the two books HNH and HNHN for parents. The one for parents was very helpful. Both are actually .. but since your a parent you will find the one for parents most benificial of the two... but read them both! Dont forget to watch those videos! they are informative .. and humerous at the same time, as well as making great points.

MNG

Thanks man, yes I'm pumped about both actually! What a treat! I watched one video, it was about two minutes. It talked about right brain/left brain type stuff. I actually recall watching something like this with an ex-girlfriend and loved it. I think sometimes I don't understand what my wife is telling me because she's already moved on to the next subject mid-sentence! Men are good at focusing on one thing at a time. We can do great things by using this skill. Women have superior brains in the sense that they can multi-task and handle multiple subjects. I think the times that I forget things my wife is telling me is when I'm focusing on something else. I need to stop doing that smile.


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UGH. Really? did you have to mention the ex-gf?

Can't you just say you recall something like this and liked it?

Why the mention? (fyi, I haven't read the last couple of pages, but last I read was a post saying that you don't know what you feel but you don't think it is love...worries me, Hill)


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Originally Posted by CWMI
(fyi, I haven't read the last couple of pages, but last I read was a post saying that you don't know what you feel but you don't think it is love...worries me, Hill)

Of course he doesn't feel love right now ... they've been busy beating each other up with LB and not meeting each other's EN. The love banks are empty.

But they now have the problem identified, and it sounds like Hill is ready to implement the solution.

Right, Hill? I have yet to listen to the radio show, but Markos tells me it was good.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Just heard you on the show, Hilltopper smile If my H and I don't get good UA time outside of the house (yes, also not at the end of the day when we are tired!) we start to feel some tension almost immediately.

If I recall correctly, Mel and I tried to talk to your W about the importance of quality UA time and getting babysitters and she seemed like she was onboard with that idea. Now you two just need to follow through on it! smile

Well this should take a lot of pressure off both of us for now. We are both scared and walking on egg shells all day. We just spoke about finding babysitters immediately and making a list. I expressed a sense of urgency with this to my wife because we have a tendency for a day to become a week, to become a few weeks, etc. The words "This has to happen" resonates in my ears from Dr Harley. I am also going to make my efforts at doing nice things for my wife usually about doing something together. So rather than pick her some sushi up on the way home which is a nice gesture, I'd rather call a babysitter on the way home, pick up my wife and take her to sushi instead. Two for the price of one you know?

[emphasis mine]

That sounds great, Hill. The more I think about it, the more I think Dr H was dead on. My sister and her H have two little ones, ages 2 and 6, the youngest has a lot of health issues and they have been hesitant to leave her with babysitters. Their relationship has been really been deteriorating over the last two years.

At my suggestion, they looked over the website and all the principles and nothing got better until they started going out on date nights and getting that quality UA time in.

I really think this is going to help you two!


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by CWMI
(fyi, I haven't read the last couple of pages, but last I read was a post saying that you don't know what you feel but you don't think it is love...worries me, Hill)

Of course he doesn't feel love right now ... they've been busy beating each other up with LB and not meeting each other's EN. The love banks are empty.

But they now have the problem identified, and it sounds like Hill is ready to implement the solution.

Right, Hill? I have yet to listen to the radio show, but Markos tells me it was good.

Yes ma'am, my wife just listened to the show and is totally down for UA time. Admittedly she said all she wanted to do is have fun on our last trip and she had a horrible time so she is scared. Heck I'm scared. Each time we hang out alone it will get better and less awkward, that I'm certain about.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Admittedly she said all she wanted to do is have fun on our last trip

That's the key!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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I asked my wife to play scrabble with me tonight to which she agreed. I'm gonna bathe kids cause her back hurts. I'm excited should be fun and beats vegging in front of the tv.


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Thats the SPIRIT! TV sucks ... unless its Hockey (GO CANUCKS GO!) or Survivor! Which both my wife and I ENTHUSIASTICLY agree to watching! I'm sad Survivor is over now tho frown and was very disappointed Matt didnt win in his Redemtion Island challenge. Rob didnt need that Million ... and i bet you his wife was not very happy her hubby was cuddling with a 19YO for 39 days and brought her to the end....

Sorry ... that was a bit of topic.

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Well so much fir TiVo! I mean I figured rob would win but I wanted to see it on my own! smile


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
When you were going through this did the phrase KNOCK IT OFF really get you motivated?

During the trauma I caused in our marriage last year, no, it is NOT something I would've wanted to hear. BUT, how I wish some kind soul had hit me over the head with those words and showed me what I was doing to my marriage.

When you're not following the program (i.e. DJing your wife in spite of your plan, not meeting her EN and not providing her with an ENQ) and persist in having pity parties, your marriage is going to fail. Horribly. In light of a devastated home, "knock it off" seems rather tame.

No real frustration here, Hill. Something I learned while here that really helped me: If something someone on this board says ruffles your feathers, listen and take notes. There's probably a reason it bothers you, and the problem probably doesn't lie with the messenger. Usually. smile

Last edited by Prisca; 05/17/11 07:03 PM.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
When you were going through this did the phrase KNOCK IT OFF really get you motivated?

During the trauma I caused in our marriage last year, no, it is NOT something I would've wanted to hear. BUT, how I wish some kind soul had hit me over the head with those words and showed me what I was doing to my marriage.

When you're not following the program (i.e. DJing your wife in spite of your plan, not meeting her EN and not providing her with an ENQ) and persist in having pity parties, your marriage is going to fail. Horribly. In light of a devastated home, "knock it off" seems rather tame.

No real frustration here, Hill. Something I learned while here that really helped me: If something someone on this board says ruffles your feathers, listen and take notes. There's probably a reason it bothers you, and the problem probably doesn't lie with the messenger. Usually. smile

Understood and I'm not shooting the messenger. Throughout my life I've just never responded to that type of reinforcement, not in sports, school, by parents, etc. I respect what you are doing and understand it perfectly fine, I was just asking for me personally to remove that vernacular as I haven't found it to make me feel more motivated, just less so. Thanks again for everything.


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Hi hill I noticed you ignore my posts but that's cool it's your thread. Just thought I'd share this with the others it's pretty funny, encouraging, and spot on.

Just google "anita renfroe love story" the video fits perfectly :-)


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by Prisca
Hilltopper ...
I like you ... you seem like a guy who desires nothing but the best for his family ...

but ...

KNOCK IT OFF!

You are not currently following the program. This program will not work unless you follow it.

You've got a wife who is on board and willing to give it a try ... for the moment. The only person who can't seem to see that is you.

You are going to find yourself in this same hellhole (or worse) a year from now unless you get yourself under control. The abuse and pity parties have GOT TO STOP.

When you were going through this did the phrase KNOCK IT OFF really get you motivated? Markos uses much of the same terminology so that must have been something that really worked well for both of you. It would be amazing if we could minimize the fire and brimstone approach and focus on the positives of doing the right things if thats ok. My wife and I are gonna focus on spending time together ok? She's on board, I'm on board. If you prefer to get frustrated with me and tell me to KNOCK IT OFF then that is your prerogative but I'm inclined to run the other direction. Don't take offense to this request. I'm not suggesting you don't have experience in telling me what needs to be done, I'm just saying I for one don't respond positively to this approach. smile

Hmmm, he must be a yankee because that phrase works quite well in Texas. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
When you were going through this did the phrase KNOCK IT OFF really get you motivated?

During the trauma I caused in our marriage last year, no, it is NOT something I would've wanted to hear. BUT, how I wish some kind soul had hit me over the head with those words and showed me what I was doing to my marriage.

When you're not following the program (i.e. DJing your wife in spite of your plan, not meeting her EN and not providing her with an ENQ) and persist in having pity parties, your marriage is going to fail. Horribly. In light of a devastated home, "knock it off" seems rather tame.

No real frustration here, Hill. Something I learned while here that really helped me: If something someone on this board says ruffles your feathers, listen and take notes. There's probably a reason it bothers you, and the problem probably doesn't lie with the messenger. Usually. smile

The most hilarious thing I've seen in his thread which I've done as well is copy and paste actual emails in an attempt to prove to the forum his behavior is justified. I took the same approach almost instinctively. The one last night my wife and I read said something like, "Don't call me on the phone today." We chuckled, but only because we are looking in retrospect, not because it was actually funny.


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The cool thing about some of the IM conversations I copied was that people told me when I was wrong! When I got here I had no idea I had a disrespectful judgment problem. A year later I was still pretty oblivious.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Hi hill I noticed you ignore my posts but that's cool it's your thread. Just thought I'd share this with the others it's pretty funny, encouraging, and spot on.

Just google "anita renfroe love story" the video fits perfectly :-)

Nothing intentional, post away! I'll check out that video if I have the time today.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Well so much fir TiVo! I mean I figured rob would win but I wanted to see it on my own! smile

GAH! ... I am SOOOO sorry! I love busted you! frown I figured everyone who watched Survivor had seen who won already, especially after 5 or 6 days after the fact.

Other than that ... hows it going?

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Well so much fir TiVo! I mean I figured rob would win but I wanted to see it on my own! smile

GAH! ... I am SOOOO sorry! I love busted you! frown I figured everyone who watched Survivor had seen who won already, especially after 5 or 6 days after the fact.

Other than that ... hows it going?

Great! No worries on the Survivor front, my wife knew already as well. Currently my wife and I are actively working on the following:

1. Coming up with a list of approved babysitters among family and friends.
2. Coming up with a list of babysitters that we can pay to watch our children that my wife and I feel comfortable with.
3. Coming up with a dating schedule so that we get out together to do something consistently.

When we spend no time together, needs don't get met, DJ's and SD's start flying, and we ultimately fall into the cycle. Dr Harley and his W told me not to "wait" on getting this done but I'm trying to settle down as I tend to get excited when we decide on a new direction to take. I am concerned still that a day, will be come a week, which will become a month and we'll look up and see we haven't made that list above, but I'm also aware that I need to give my wife some time and space to work some of this out on her own. After all we are talking about the bond of a mother and a baby which is incredibly strong, so I'll yield to her need to be certain that she feels enthusiastic about it.


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