I was about to post this on the Grey Divorce thread, when I realized it was far too self-centered to go there, and belongs here.

MelodyLane asked whether my wife understands POJA.

My wife knows all about MB. She simply refuses to implement it. Same as me. I am no more willing to clean up my side of the street than she hers.

I know what you mean about relative effort. I hate my job and every day it is like pulling teeth to motivate myself to do any task. Still, while in the long term it would be much less effort to have I job I loved (assuming such a thing exists), I am not willing to put in the extra effort in the short term to transition to a job I like more than this one.

Same with marriage. I am willing to accept everyone's word that a happy marriage requires less effort than an unhappy one. Still, Withdrawal requires less effort than the Conflict required to return to Intimacy. I am not willing to make the effort required during Conflict. No matter how wonderful the eventual payoff might be.

Years ago our unhappy marriage required effort on my part. Because when Mrs. Hold said "no", I continued to seek ways to get my needs filled. I struggled against the "no". Now it is not nearly so difficult, because I have given up. I rarely ask if Mrs. Hold is willing to meet my needs. And I don't get upset if she says no. I accept the answer and go back to doing whatever coping / medicating activity I was doing. Hardly any effort is required since I gave up.

These days it is Mrs. Hold who tends to offer to meet my needs (not THAT need, but the ones that are les important to me - like RC). She doesn't like that I have given up on living and have stopped working toward any goals. Because she sees that my passivity interferes with her achieving her goals. She tries to entice me back into enjoying recreational activities, in the hope that she can inspire me to "get back in the game".

But I have become immune to her blandishments. Now that I am physically incapable of engaging in the activity which for so long was my obsessive goal, I no longer want anything from her. In fact, I would rather swim in burning acid than accept need-meeting from her, and feel ashamed and angry on those occassions when I weaken and allow her to do so.

The surgery is scheduled for next Friday. Monday they test my blood to see if I need any more transfusions. Perhaps when I have a full complement of red cells I will feel differently. I doubt it. This bitterness is now branded on my soul. Nothing would suit me better than if the Rapture actually occurs tomorrow. Not that I expect to be taken. But that would mean only 150 days left before I get to go where I belong.