Reading HNHN, the Harley's sent it to us. I'm in chapter one and something that Dr Harley writes about hit me so hard I had to come here and share it. It is the relationship between affection and sex. Most women need affection to have sex, you can't have one without the other. Most men have a hard time being affectionate. My wife and I are a bit different I'd say. I rank affection and SF as my two most ENs. My wife has a few that are different. I grew up as I mentioned in a very "huggy" affectionate family, it comes easy to me. I give bear hugs to most of my buddies, my Dad, etc. Her family experience was very different. So here is my dilemma:

1. Is it possible my displays of affection to my wife, kisses, hugs, etc are perceived by her as a sign that I want SF? If that is the case are my attempts actually not causing her LB to fill, but rather removing deposits? I have to think the answer is no, but I still have to ask the question.

2. If one of my wife's ENs is not Affection, how then does the relationship between affection and SF change in our case? If you can't have SF without affection, but yet my wife is ok without me being affectionate towards her, then how does SF happen? What does she need to "feel" like being intimate with me?

Last night before bed we snuggled a bit. I asked her and she said sure. I'd admit, there was a small part of me that hoped it might turn into something more, but I was ok without it, I just wanted to be connected to my wife either way. SF is always better than snuggling, but I enjoy both of them very, very much.
The feeling of security has come back for the most part, however the feeling of not being needed has not. I feel I'm needed to:

1. Watch the kids to give her a break.
2. Take care of the family financially.
3. Make dinner and do dishes frequently.

I can keep going of course, but I'm just trying to make a point. Notice I'm not needed to be her romantic partner, her lover. It hurts a lot, whether or not I'm a big cause of it, that she doesn't need me for that. I'm doing the best I can to meet her needs and avoid LBs, but it so overwhelming at times its hard to know where to start. The Harley's said UA, so I'm doing everything I can to make that happen. I guess I'm struggling with being patient about it. Anyways, answers to the questions above would be greatly appreciated! Taking the kids to a bday party today, should be fun.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD