Originally Posted By: Penni4Thoughts
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
I have 2 questions.

Did you refuse to POJA the drinking? Did you call her abusive?


We agreed last night that we'd plan out many things, one of them being the days we drink wine and when we do not, on Friday morning. So I poured a glass of wine last night thinking, ok this is great we'll plan out our schedule about wine, UA, who cooks dinner, who does dishes, who puts the kids, down etc, we are getting somewhere, this is good. So then she said, well I don't want you to drink wine tonight either. I complained to her that we had negotiated to discuss in the morning, but now she was demanding that I don't drink wine tonight. So I guess, yes I had wine even though she didn't want me to. She demanded I don't have wine and I had it anyways.

I told her on the phone today that I will not tolerate her verbal abuse any longer verbatim. I told her I will not be a part of a marriage where the verbal abuse and DJs are so frequent. I told her I have many faults and I am working on them, but that I do not want to be in a marriage where I hide in parking lots for an hour long to avoid coming home. Also that I do not like to walk on egg shells.


Hi Hill,

POJA would say that you don't do anything until you two come to an agreement, which means not drinking wine. By drinking wine after she told you she didn't want you to, you are inadvertently telling her that drinking wine is more important than her.


I can see that. I guess it was weird because my wife drank wine with me about five nights in a row, then got up one day and said I don't want wine and I don't want you to either. So what had become a very common thing for us maybe even "presumed" activity, especially of late, has now become something she decided unilaterally that WE no longer were doing. So I felt like, "where was I during that decision that was made?"

Now from a practical stance we used to hit the gym after I got home from work, which has now turned into, rush through dinner, get the kids down asap, then open some wine and unwind over TV and Scrabble. Pretty sure the gym is more healthy, but so difficult to make happen with making child care arrangements. I asked my wife if we could do this, but it was met with the usual "maybe" or "we'll see". I can appreciate taking charge of plans, but I know my wife so a, "put your gym clothes on were heading to the gym, and dropping off the kids with your folks" would not be received well.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD