Originally Posted By: Prisca
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I can see that. I guess it was weird because my wife drank wine with me about five nights in a row, then got up one day and said I don't want wine and I don't want you to either. So what had become a very common thing for us maybe even "presumed" activity, especially of late, has now become something she decided unilaterally that WE no longer were doing. So I felt like, "where was I during that decision that was made?"

No, she decided that she was no longer happy doing this activity. She's letting you know she's unhappy. POJA says DO NOTHING until you can both enthusiastically agree on what to do. This is part of showing her you care for her. It's taking her needs into account.

She didn't make a decision unilaterally. She told you she didn't want to do this anymore. To insist that you are going to do it anyway, when she's made it known to you that she's unhappy with it, is to gain at her expense. YOU are the one that made a unilateral decision. And you gained at her expense.

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Now from a practical stance we used to hit the gym after I got home from work, which has now turned into, rush through dinner, get the kids down asap, then open some wine and unwind over TV and Scrabble. Pretty sure the gym is more healthy, but so difficult to make happen with making child care arrangements. I asked my wife if we could do this, but it was met with the usual "maybe" or "we'll see". I can appreciate taking charge of plans, but I know my wife so a, "put your gym clothes on were heading to the gym, and dropping off the kids with your folks" would not be received well.

Why would she be enthusiastic about going to the gym with you when you won't even use POJA to protect her about the wine issue? You are in the habit of gaining at her expense. Why would she want to do anything?


You know what Prisca, I have no idea what she is enthusiastic about. You know how I know? Because she won't ever answer me. I send her a text asking if we could do massages and yahtzee last night and she responds back with, you need to get a vasectomy. I email her about some suggested dates we can schedule wine, no wine, scrabble, who makes dinner, etc, she doesn't answer me. If I point blank ask her what she'd like to do she says, "I don't know what do you want to do?" So I make suggestions, they mostly go unanswered, shot down, or put in the "we'll see" box to never be addressed again.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD