Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
In fact the more I learn about MB and the more I think about it I'm not sure I feel good about her going to the gym with her friends or by herself anyways. She has told me about the flirting that goes on in spin class in the past, she is very attractive, etc. Flirting and sexual undertones are a part of spin classes, and my wife has also confirmed how shocked she was about all of the A's that were going in her gym. With where we are today in our marriage, and with the knowledge we have I'd say that the best plan to have our needs only met by each other is for her to discontinue going to her gym. Knowing all of this does not make feel secure. This negotiation is gonna be a doozy I believe. She enjoys it a lot, her friends go to it and will be "putting the pressure" on her to attend. I need to gather my thoughts an let her know how I feel about the subject.

Even though I am not a vet, I think we share similar tendencies so I wanted to share a recent epiphany that relates to this. I thought I have been trying to do the POJA for a year now. The truth is, I haven't been doing it right because I have been focusing on me too much.

This morning, I did it correctly. My H wanted to go to the bar with work colleagues this Friday and I would normally say, "No, I am not comfortable with that because some of them are single women, you can't go." This time, instead of telling him no, I started negotiating. I said, "What if they came to our house so you can show them the recent renovations you did and I will make my appetizers you love?" He thought that was the best idea ever and immediately agreed. I got what I wanted, but not at his expense. In fact, I am kind of excited about it, I like to host. My old approach would have resulted in a fight, him claiming I am trying to take away his freedom, and him going anyway and probably staying longer just to spite me.

I do think we need to be able to tell our spouses when something bothers us. But, we need to think about how we can make them happy in the process. We don't want to remove their happiness in order to increase ours. What if you got workout equipment at home so she could sleep in an hour longer rather than driving to the gym? What if you went with her but worked out on different machines? What if you two took up a new hobby together like racquetball or tennis? Get creative and try to think about things that could make you both happy.