Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 51 of 88 1 2 49 50 51 52 53 87 88
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
HIll .. if you go over the last few posts i made on your thread .. one of them tells you my experience with the vasectomy. But to call it a surgery .. i think that is a misused word in this procedure. ITs more like getting a needle. YOu will have no stitches ... and its pretty painless. Getting a filling at the dentist hurts more. I was pretty ramped up and adamant about not doing it when my wife and i discussed it .. but she persuaded me that it was only fair since she gave birth x2. So i reluctantly agreed. Even tho I reluctantly agreed .. i was well rewarded for my effort and compliance! smile

SO .. whatever you two descide together, I am sure things will work out. BUt IMHO the V was the best choice .. even tho I couldnt see it at the time when i had to make the decision.

MNG

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Well I think an appt is probably in order then. Did you go over the vasectomy option with DH? What were his concerns? Its strange, I've had only two friends that have gotten vasectomies and you'd think that it was state law by my wife's insistence that I get one. I don't like surgery ok? I mean when it was my knees and ankles from playing basketball all those years that is one thing, but despite how it has been presented to me by my wife, and a couple of over guys on this forum who have gotten one, I'm still not very comfortable with the idea, it kind of freaks me out. What about the rest of the world? What have they done to avoid having another child?

We considered the V, but DH and I both personally know a couple of people who had issues after the fact - both were older people, but it ruined their sex life. And, once it's done, it's really hard to reverse, and if you're in the 5% or so that has problems then a reversal doesn't always repair the problems. It wasn't worth the risks.

We went with the Mirena IUD, mine expires in 18 months. If I'm healthy enough we'll probably try for a baby. If not, then we'll get another Mirena. Talking to your OB/GYN, if you and your wife trust them is really the best source of good information on BC. I was on the pill for a year (two different ones).

Apparently you are a fan of the IUD? Just guessing. smile


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Apparently you are a fan of the IUD? Just guessing. smile

You think? rotflmao

Pregnancy, at this point, could be disasterous, and possibly life threatening to me. It's important that whatever we use is as close to 100% as possible. It was important to me that it be reversible, because we'd like to try for children, at some point, if I'm able. And, I was against barrier methods. The pill was out. So, this was the best option for us.

FWIW, I have Lupus and my heart and kidneys are currently affected. My health is very unstable, and we've had three failed pregnanies. Even though I don't want to get pregnant, SF is imporatnant in a marraiage and sometimes pregnancy is a result. It just happens, no matter how careful you are. If it happens to us, we'll deal with it. If it doesn't happen, until we want it to, we'll be thrilled. And, we may never be that blessed.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
HIll .. if you go over the last few posts i made on your thread .. one of them tells you my experience with the vasectomy. But to call it a surgery .. i think that is a misused word in this procedure. ITs more like getting a needle. YOu will have no stitches ... and its pretty painless. Getting a filling at the dentist hurts more. I was pretty ramped up and adamant about not doing it when my wife and i discussed it .. but she persuaded me that it was only fair since she gave birth x2. So i reluctantly agreed. Even tho I reluctantly agreed .. i was well rewarded for my effort and compliance! smile

SO .. whatever you two descide together, I am sure things will work out. BUt IMHO the V was the best choice .. even tho I couldnt see it at the time when i had to make the decision.

MNG

I'm glad it worked out for you. We are working on our decision together. In the mean time we are gonna come up with a temp solution to take the pressure off both of us.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
WTH, Hill. Stop reading women-bashing sites and stick with this program. Seriously. You will boff up your whole family. There is nothing that can go badly for you in the MB program.

Get serious here.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by CWMI
WTH, Hill. Stop reading women-bashing sites and stick with this program. Seriously. You will boff up your whole family. There is nothing that can go badly for you in the MB program.

Get serious here.

I don't subscribe to any other method other than MB. I was searching for better ways to understand how I'm feeling in this marriage. I found an article that I related to in a big way, in fact 80% of it was verbatim on exactly how I feel. We are continuing on our path of MB together and are committed, however I continuously struggle with this general feeling of being weak in this marriage. Its not that I want to "fight back" type of weak, what I mean is I've come to a point where I have very few opinions on much of anything, I'm afraid to make decisions, I'm afraid of messing up things that my wife wants me to do, and I am afraid to tell my wife what I need. So although we've made some progress, I currently go through life receiving what she'll give me, living with it, and not asking for more. Why is it so hard to express myself? My wife said my Mom and sister are the exact same way. When I do say how I'm feeling it never turns out so I become timid about it. I'll try again to use the workbook, or maybe write stuff down in my I-Phone as they happen, and then compile them to be shared with my wife later.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by CWMI
WTH, Hill. Stop reading women-bashing sites and stick with this program. Seriously. You will boff up your whole family. There is nothing that can go badly for you in the MB program.

Get serious here.

I don't subscribe to any other method other than MB. I was searching for better ways to understand how I'm feeling in this marriage. I found an article that I related to in a big way, in fact 80% of it was verbatim on exactly how I feel. We are continuing on our path of MB together and are committed, however I continuously struggle with this general feeling of being weak in this marriage. Its not that I want to "fight back" type of weak, what I mean is I've come to a point where I have very few opinions on much of anything, I'm afraid to make decisions, I'm afraid of messing up things that my wife wants me to do, and I am afraid to tell my wife what I need. So although we've made some progress, I currently go through life receiving what she'll give me, living with it, and not asking for more. Why is it so hard to express myself? My wife said my Mom and sister are the exact same way. When I do say how I'm feeling it never turns out so I become timid about it. I'll try again to use the workbook, or maybe write stuff down in my I-Phone as they happen, and then compile them to be shared with my wife later.

In other words, you found something that communicated how you were feeling.

Ok.

Were you guys not using LB sheets?

Hill, I understand that you are going to do a lot of reflection, but wallowing in past pain isn't going to help you move FORWARD.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by CWMI
WTH, Hill. Stop reading women-bashing sites and stick with this program. Seriously. You will boff up your whole family. There is nothing that can go badly for you in the MB program.

Get serious here.

crazy

Hill, ignore the genders, and go through the articles here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=29


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by CWMI
WTH, Hill. Stop reading women-bashing sites and stick with this program. Seriously. You will boff up your whole family. There is nothing that can go badly for you in the MB program.

Get serious here.

I don't subscribe to any other method other than MB. I was searching for better ways to understand how I'm feeling in this marriage. I found an article that I related to in a big way, in fact 80% of it was verbatim on exactly how I feel. We are continuing on our path of MB together and are committed, however I continuously struggle with this general feeling of being weak in this marriage. Its not that I want to "fight back" type of weak, what I mean is I've come to a point where I have very few opinions on much of anything, I'm afraid to make decisions, I'm afraid of messing up things that my wife wants me to do, and I am afraid to tell my wife what I need. So although we've made some progress, I currently go through life receiving what she'll give me, living with it, and not asking for more. Why is it so hard to express myself? My wife said my Mom and sister are the exact same way. When I do say how I'm feeling it never turns out so I become timid about it. I'll try again to use the workbook, or maybe write stuff down in my I-Phone as they happen, and then compile them to be shared with my wife later.

In other words, you found something that communicated how you were feeling.

Ok.

Were you guys not using LB sheets?

Hill, I understand that you are going to do a lot of reflection, but wallowing in past pain isn't going to help you move FORWARD.

Yes it was helpful to find out some of the feelings I have because "playing in the game" I'm not always sure what they are if that makes sense. I know I feel bad, but I can't always tell why. Its like a big confusing haze that is hard to navigate.

No we were not using the workbooks to track LBs.

I wouldn't call it "wallowing in the past", I am making an honest effort to try and comprehend what the hell is going on in an effort to express myself which is the first problem. I tend not to. I bottle up. After 38 years of bottling up, it is hard to just change the next day you know? Many of my efforts of expressing myself are misguided or full of "guesses" as to how something makes me feel. When it comes to asking for EN's to be met, I just don't know how to handle the rejection, so I typically get upset and don't ask again. I told my wife I might want to meet with a therapist or SH to help me express myself better and not take rejection so hard.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
No we were not using the workbooks to track LBs.

Why are you expecting success when you skip important parts of the program like this?

I can't count the number of times I've mentioned that Dr. Harley and the coach he assigned us have told us that very few couples can successfully have a conversation where they tell each other, on the fly, about abusive behavior. It just doesn't work. It causes a fight, and you guys need to avoid fighting at all costs.

We've given you the way to communicate this without having a fight. Why don't you do it? Then plan doesn't work if it's not followed, Hill, and we really, really want you to follow it, because it really does work!

Quote
I am making an honest effort to try and comprehend what the hell is going on in an effort to express myself which is the first problem.

I do not believe expressing yourself is the first problem, and I do not recall Dr. Harley telling you this.

Quote
When it comes to asking for EN's to be met, I just don't know how to handle the rejection, so I typically get upset and don't ask again.

The way to handle that is to quit giving up and keep practicing inviting Grace to join you, while avoiding demands, disrespect, and anger.

I've written this before. It'll work if you do it, it won't work if you don't. If I write it again, will you try it? Can we get you focused back on working this plan to make things better in your marriage?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
By the way, most marriage-counseling style material out there is written for depressed women and doesn't translate so well to emotional men.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I told my wife I might want to meet with a therapist or SH to help me express myself better and not take rejection so hard.

Hill, I'll save you the money. Let me teach you how to express yourself better:

"How would you feel about ... ?"
"I'd like it if you'd ..."
"It bothers me when you ..."

That plus avoiding demands, disrespect, and anger, is all there is to expressing yourself.

The real problem is that when you express yourself and Grace doesn't respond the way you want, you respond with demands, disrespect, or anger. You don't have a problem expressing yourself; you have a problem wanting to control Grace's response.

Until you learn to graciously accept Grace's response even when it's not the response you wanted, you will be stuck here. Until you learn to graciously accept Grace's response even when it's not the response you want, you are making demands, and you can expect no improvement in your marriage.

Grace is probably not going to be enthusiastic about meeting your needs, long term, until she has seen a track record of you NOT responding with demands, disrespect, or anger when you express yourself and she responds in a way you do not want.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by markos
Call one of those friends and say "I was hoping to plan a date with Grace. Would you be available on X? Really? Great! I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm going to see if she's interested, and then call you back to confirm. I'm not sure if we'll be taking the baby or not." Then tell Grace you've arranged babysitting for X night and tell her you'd like to take her out. Give her the option of taking the baby or not. Give her the option of saying yes or no. Give her some selected date activities to choose from, and give her the option of proposing her own suggestions.

You are going to have to learn the skill of making a date with your wife!

I see Grace is still arranging babysitting.

Since coming to Marriage Builders, how many times have you arranged babysitting? How many times has Grace done it?

It will deposit valuable love units if you do more of the planning and arranging for dates.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 369
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 369
Hill...may I ask why you are unwilling to get a vasectomy but at the same time expect grace to take care of the birth control issue herself...through IUD, bc, etc. You seem frustrated that she is not willing to choose one of the options women have while you are refusing the option men have.

For what it is worth...my H had a vasectomy and was back playing golf 3 days later.

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 158
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 158


Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by markos
Call one of those friends and say "I was hoping to plan a date with Grace. Would you be available on X? Really? Great! I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm going to see if she's interested, and then call you back to confirm. I'm not sure if we'll be taking the baby or not." Then tell Grace you've arranged babysitting for X night and tell her you'd like to take her out. Give her the option of taking the baby or not. Give her the option of saying yes or no. Give her some selected date activities to choose from, and give her the option of proposing her own suggestions.

You are going to have to learn the skill of making a date with your wife!

I see Grace is still arranging babysitting.

Since coming to Marriage Builders, how many times have you arranged babysitting? How many times has Grace done it?

It will deposit valuable love units if you do more of the planning and arranging for dates.

I asked her specifically and she said verbatim, "I don't want you to arrange for babysitters."


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by rubydoo
Hill...may I ask why you are unwilling to get a vasectomy but at the same time expect grace to take care of the birth control issue herself...through IUD, bc, etc. You seem frustrated that she is not willing to choose one of the options women have while you are refusing the option men have.

For what it is worth...my H had a vasectomy and was back playing golf 3 days later.

Huh? Where did you gather my wife and I are not exploring all options together? I sent her a list of the issues I have with getting a vasectomy. We have yet to meet with doctor to go over all other options, that is next week.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
? Where did you gather my wife and I are not exploring all options together? I sent her a list of the issues I have with getting a vasectomy. We have yet to meet with doctor to go over all other options, that is next week.

I'm glad y'all are going together.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 369
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 369
It just appeared to me that you are unwilling to do what you can for birth control (vasectomy) but expect your wife to be willing to take birth control, get an IUD , whatever. I guess the only options I see you focusing on are options that require her to do something be it take bc, get an IUD, etc.

I realize you have legitimate concerns regarding an vasectomy and why you don't want one...do you realize your wife has legitimate concerns regarding bc or an IUD and why she doesn't want to go those routes?

I'm not saying you aren't discussing options together. I'm saying the only options seem to be focused on her.

Last edited by rubydoo; 06/10/11 12:28 PM.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by rubydoo
It just appeared to me that you are unwilling to do what you can for birth control (vasectomy) but expect your wife to be willing to take birth control, get an IUD , whatever. I guess the only options I see you focusing on are options that require her to do something be it take bc, get an IUD, etc.

I realize you have legitimate concerns regarding an vasectomy and why you don't want one...do you realize your wife has legitimate concerns regarding bc or an IUD and why she doesn't want to go those routes?

I'm not saying you aren't discussing options together. I'm saying the only options seem to be focused on her.

Rubydoo,

Having not read my wife's post on that subject, I know not what you mean! We are using POJA to decide a solution, no one has decided the solution has to work only for her. Either you came to that conclusion on your own incorrectly, or my wife has posted something that has said something similar. Either case, let me say it again, we are deciding together on the best course of action for us whether it be me, her, or both of us.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Page 51 of 88 1 2 49 50 51 52 53 87 88

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 264 guests, and 35 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
dmi_112, Hanim, Kkeller, hjsnembaxm, Crushed Soul
71,798 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5