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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Not good, wife just confirmed she won't get a consult at all and is withholding sex. I have two options, condoms or V's. She has about 10 options which I know is kind of unfair, but that is just medicine, I can't control it. So basically I have to get a V against my will in order to have a romantic relationship with my wife. What a great position to be in. Hopefully things will calm down a bit.
I think that if she wanted to have sex with you, she would find ways of having sex that do not involve penetration.

I think that the issue is that she does not want to have sex with you. I don't know why she doesn't.

If you have a vasectomy you will be calling her bluff. If the root problem is that she does not want to have sex with you, then a vasectomy will reveal this.


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She isn't asking me to get a V consult, she is demanding it
Yes, and she is WRONG. She knows it, too, which is probably why she hasn't been hanging around the board. You're probably not going to get anywhere on the BC issue until she becomes willing to negotiate with you, using the rules for negotiation.

I suggested to you both a while back that you use a temporary BC method until you were further along in the program and had more experience with negotiation. Did the two of you consider doing this and revisiting the issue again? Perhaps you should suggest that to her again.

You're going to need to stop warning her about getting back with MB -- this will be seen as you teaching her, which will be considered a DJ. Good job on apologizing.

You might put off talking about BC for a few weeks and concentrate on filling her lovebank -- conversation and affection.


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I think that the issue is that she does not want to have sex with you. I don't know why she doesn't.

If you have a vasectomy you will be calling her bluff. If the root problem is that she does not want to have sex with you, then a vasectomy will reveal this.

I do not believe this will be true. She doesn't want sex because she is deathly afraid of becoming pregnant again.

She's trying to force her own way at the expense of Hilltopper. If he goes through with the vasectomy because of her demand, he will only resent her, causing MORE problems for them to overcome.


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Not good, wife just confirmed she won't get a consult at all and is withholding sex. I have two options, condoms or V's. She has about 10 options which I know is kind of unfair, but that is just medicine, I can't control it. So basically I have to get a V against my will in order to have a romantic relationship with my wife. What a great position to be in. Hopefully things will calm down a bit.
She said at one point that she would've been willing to have had a tubal ... why is she unwilling to consider her own sterilization, especially since there is now non-surgical options that can be done in a doctor's office.

You can't reason with someone who is making demands until they are willing to stop demanding and start negotiating.

Yes, I think you definitely need to avoid talking about it for a few weeks and try to fill her lovebank.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Not good, wife just confirmed she won't get a consult at all and is withholding sex. I have two options, condoms or V's. She has about 10 options which I know is kind of unfair, but that is just medicine, I can't control it. So basically I have to get a V against my will in order to have a romantic relationship with my wife. What a great position to be in. Hopefully things will calm down a bit.
I think that if she wanted to have sex with you, she would find ways of having sex that do not involve penetration.

I think that the issue is that she does not want to have sex with you. I don't know why she doesn't.

If you have a vasectomy you will be calling her bluff. If the root problem is that she does not want to have sex with you, then a vasectomy will reveal this.

Well you could be wrong but I just asked her so we'll see what her answer is. I said to be honest with me and if she was not attracted to me what things could I do to change that. We'll see what she says. I have been feeling that general "disinterested" feeling like I had before coming to MB. I honestly think it is about having a child again since we are extremely stressed out with #3, particularly her.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
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I think that the issue is that she does not want to have sex with you. I don't know why she doesn't.

If you have a vasectomy you will be calling her bluff. If the root problem is that she does not want to have sex with you, then a vasectomy will reveal this.

I do not believe this will be true. She doesn't want sex because she is deathly afraid of becoming pregnant again.

She's trying to force her own way at the expense of Hilltopper. If he goes through with the vasectomy because of her demand, he will only resent her, causing MORE problems for them to overcome.

Yes I agree it is about an accidental pregnancy. There is still a lot of resent because I said I'd get a V after the third kid because a buddy of mine did. I didn't research it I just told her "sure" to keep her happy. She said she would have had a tubal during the c-section of our third child had she known that at the time. Bad situation and I wish it was avoided. I can't take it back though and she brings it up repeatedly.

By the way Prisca, my wife said verbatim, "I don't care what you tell Prisca, she is irrelevant to anything I care about." I share that not to hurt her, but just to give you perspective of my current battle.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
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Not good, wife just confirmed she won't get a consult at all and is withholding sex. I have two options, condoms or V's. She has about 10 options which I know is kind of unfair, but that is just medicine, I can't control it. So basically I have to get a V against my will in order to have a romantic relationship with my wife. What a great position to be in. Hopefully things will calm down a bit.
She said at one point that she would've been willing to have had a tubal ... why is she unwilling to consider her own sterilization, especially since there is now non-surgical options that can be done in a doctor's office.

You can't reason with someone who is making demands until they are willing to stop demanding and start negotiating.

Yes, I think you definitely need to avoid talking about it for a few weeks and try to fill her lovebank.

Yep I'll let it lie. I told her that from this moment I was gonna do my best to follow MB again, I didn't ask her to do the same. This is the only way I know how.


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She said she would have had a tubal during the c-section of our third child had she known that at the time. Bad situation and I wish it was avoided. I can't take it back though and she brings it up repeatedly.
She is dwelling on the past.

You were once willing to consider a V. She was once willing to consider a tubal. Now, you don't want a V, and she refuses to consider her own sterilization.

She is just as guilty about changing her mind as you are.

The way to handle this is negotiate in the NOW. Throw out past agreements, they are no longer relevant. Today is what matters.

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By the way Prisca, my wife said verbatim, "I don't care what you tell Prisca, she is irrelevant to anything I care about."
I'll take that as a compliment. laugh The reason she doesn't like me right now is because I refuse to coddle her.

The slap of a friend can be trusted to help you, but the kisses of an enemy are nothing but lies. Proverbs 27:6


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You are doing nothing wrong by refusing to cave in to her demand, Hill, just in case you wondered ...


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Originally Posted by Prisca
You are doing nothing wrong by refusing to cave in to her demand, Hill, just in case you wondered ...

Well I have questioned it because the pressure is intense. Glad to know I can stand my ground.


I just spent an hour via text apologizing and be honest with my wife. I slipped a few times and got disrespectful, but apologized again. She apologized ZERO. She rarely does and it is really hard to deal with. My wife is very resentful and holds on to things for long periods of time, this makes my eliminating LBs and filling needs so crucial. If I mess up it isn't a quick apology and we move on you know?

By the way Prisca, more rude things my wife wanted to pass on to you but I told her she can do it herself.

After all of this she still wants to go to dinner tonight so that is good but it historically has been really hard for us to converse when we've had it out.


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We recovered quickly and dinner was really fun. All I can do is eliminate the LBs and do my best to meet her needs. That is the plan for now.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
We recovered quickly and dinner was really fun. All I can do is eliminate the LBs and do my best to meet her needs. That is the plan for now.

And that's the perfect plan! smile


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By the way Prisca, more rude things my wife wanted to pass on to you but I told her she can do it herself.
All this tells me is that she is angry and out of control. She's not getting her way at your expense, and she'll lash out at anybody who would tell her that that's a GOOD thing.

Grace, if you're reading, I've been there. I suggest you don't stay there. You are destroying your marriage.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
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By the way Prisca, more rude things my wife wanted to pass on to you but I told her she can do it herself.
All this tells me is that she is angry and out of control. She's not getting her way at your expense, and she'll lash out at anybody who would tell her that that's a GOOD thing.

Grace, if you're reading, I've been there. I suggest you don't stay there. You are destroying your marriage.

Baby is wearing both of us out, but especially her. She is grumpy most of the time and stressed. It's nothing I'm doing much of, its just life and I'm stressed too. I think it will improve when school comes back in, at least I hope so. I'm trying really hard not to disrespect her when she turns moody or grumpy. For some reason her grumpiness effects me a lot and I sometimes say negative things rather than comfort her.


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It may be best to keep quiet when she is grumpy, rather than to risk saying something negative.

Keeping quiet = not a LB
Saying negative things = LB


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Although, if you keep quiet you miss out on a BIG chance to make lovebank deposits. She's probably craving your comfort.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Although, if you keep quiet you miss out on a BIG chance to make lovebank deposits. She's probably craving your comfort.

I'm sure she is craving my comfort and I do my best to give it to her. If she was grumpy a couple times a week I don't think it would bother me. It is quite literally either all day until the kids go down or at least a few hours each day. I feel suffocated about it. Its just depressing to be around the doom and gloom so much and makes it hard to do this MB thing because it is always there.


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Hill, it's easy to blame your attitude on others, but even easier to get in the habit of checking your attitude. Let it be contagious. Like the expression, be the thermostat, not the thermometer. Your kids need that the most when your W is in the dumps. You talk about how it suffocates you, but you're an adult, fully mature and capable of self-soothing. Is that fair to them, to stew them in both you and your wife dumping negativity?


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What do you think about, the next time W's grumpy, take the kids out and kick a soccer ball. Notice your mood, the kids' moods, her mood. What do you predict would happen?


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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
What do you think about, the next time W's grumpy, take the kids out and kick a soccer ball. Notice your mood, the kids' moods, her mood. What do you predict would happen?

Fair enough, but my mood is not dependent on my wife being grumpy at all. I frequently "remove" the stress which is the kids and I'm sure it helps. My concern is not related to my own attitude, it is related to her mood being an obstacle to having a great romantic relationship. The suffocation I mention is related to the grumpiness impeding or slowing down the speed at which we rebuild love in our marriage. Maybe there is nothing I can do but meet needs and avoid LBs to "do my part" you know? Time will pass, the kids get older(especially baby) and become less needy. It will come around, in the mean time I guess I was bitching I'll avoid that in the future and stick with action steps to make things better, cool?


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