I understand that he should not do anything if he is not enthusiastic. Just pointing out how this may come across to his wife, so he can explore her feelings.

They need to explore the other methods of birth control besides condoms or vasectomy. They need to explore other aspects of sex besides PIV intercourse. He needs to create a safe environment to discuss these things so she can share her truth.

I wrote what I would be thinking if I were his wife. I doubt she would admit to thinking those thoughts if she were thinking them. As he tries to create a safe environment for her, he needs to take into account that she may have fears he cannot imagine.

My wife said we could have sex a few days ago. I asked her yesterday if we could and she said, "not unless you get a V." She then later that evening mocked me in front of some friends that were over saying, "Well he would get a lot more sex if he got a V." Either my wife has a low libido, doesn't want to have sex with me, or is fulfilling that need elsewhere. She has shown to be perfectly fine with no SF in her life, at least with me. The rest of our marriage is pretty good to be honest, but I'm extremely unhappy with my #1 need going unmet. My approaches on even discussing the subject are met with sarcasm and put-offs, and she brings up me not getting a V over and over again. I'm angry and bitter and am avoiding her because I am afraid I'll say something wrong. I wish she'd come here, but she won't do that either.

I would ask her how long she expects you to tolerate this situation? Does she imagine you will be there forever even after you fall out of love because she refuses to meet your needs? Most spouses don't last long under those conditions before they decide to move on.

Somehow I suspect the situation would be the same even if you did get a V. The reason behind that stems frm the fact that there are many other ways to have sex besides the big "I." Is she willing to do other things with you?

She won't do anything with me. Her reason for not doing other things is that it is unfair to her.

She repeatedly said she doesn't respect me nor my need for SF. She thinks that the marriage is more important and that I should just wait it out.

Then you need to make it fair for her and please her too. SF is supposed to be the fulfilling of BOTH your needs, not just one. If she gets no enjoyment, then it is very unlikely she will want to do that.


If the marriage is important to her, then she would be doing to enhance the marriage, rather than doing things that destroy it. She is detroying her marriage so her words don't match her actions. If she feels the marriage really is important, then why isn't she doing the things to maintain it, like meeting her husbands basic emotional needs? Neglecting her husband sure does not demonstrate that she places any importance on her marriage at all.

Rather, it sounds like she wants "unconditional love," which is harmful to marriages. She wants to contribute nothing but expects to receive all the benefits of a married woman. She is destroying your marriage with that approach.

So I would ask her how long she expects to remain married under those conditions? It wont' last forever.

You really need to keep this issue on the front burner until it is resolved. This is too important to your marriage. Have you considered getting marriage coaching from one of Dr Harley's kids?

my issue of dishonesty revolves around me not telling her when something is bothering her. This drives her crazy and I have avoided doing this for months until just now

How do you feel about the subject of resent? My wife freely admits that she is resentful of me. She is resentful of her mom, her dad, my mom, and both of my sisters. How can I work on our marriage if she never gets over anything? In fact she sent me a text stating that she will just have to put up with all the resent she has for me and handle the birth control situation herself.

The resentment on both sides will fade if you restore the love in your marriage. That is where I would focus. Instead of focusing on resentment and fights, etc, focus on fixing your marriage by developing new habits. Stop fighting and refocus. If you can't refocus, then get help getting back on track.

I would point out again, that you can have sex without bc. You can satisfy each other without it, so it's not like you have to wait. Just be honest with her, Hilltopper, without being critical.

How do you feel about the subject of resent? My wife freely admits that she is resentful of me. She is resentful of her mom, her dad, my mom, and both of my sisters. How can I work on our marriage if she never gets over anything? In fact she sent me a text stating that she will just have to put up with all the resent she has for me and handle the birth control situation herself.

In fact she sent me a text stating that she will just have to put up with all the resent she has for me and handle the birth control situation herself.

I let her know that I didn't want a marriage where SF is off the table.

This woman doesn't forget or move past ANYTHING.

Hey at least she is ...

This is why it will continue to escalate unless I eliminate LBs entirely.

I had scheduled time with Steve, but we improved so much in such a short period of time we never followed through with it.

Poorly organized counselors will often see clients for weeks before they get down to deciding how they'll proceed. During that time, the crisis is over and the motivation to solve the problem is postponed until the next crisis. The couple drops out of therapy no wiser or better off than they came.

Men generally want to get out of therapy as soon as possible, even when they were the ones that wanted it the most in the beginning. They don't like the idea of reporting to someone regarding their behavior, and my role as a counselor is to see to it that they follow through on what they promised. They often agree to anything to get their wives back, and then once she's home, they go back to their old habits.

I'm not perfect, nor innocent in this marriage. I have done my fair share to cause her pain. I don't know how important the marriage is to her, in fact I've often thought it was more important to me and that she is frequently indifferent about it.

markos, I had viewed that comment as a [legitimate] complaint because it expresses his feelings about the future of the marriage. It wasn't a criticism because it did not include a judgement. But it did convey a very important truth: that he does not want a marriage that does not include SF.

I think it is important that she understands she is not going to be able to keep him in a marriage for long if she refuses to meet his needs. How should he have told her this?

The most common first response to a spouse's neglect is to complain: "I'd like it if you'd be more affectionate." A complaint is an effort to communicate a problem without being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. It's a notification there's an opportunity to make deposits (or avoid withdrawals) from the Love Bank. There's nothing wrong with that initial approach to the problem of neglect since it's simply communicating a need.

But when that doesn't produce results, mistakes usually follow. The first mistake is to criticize: "Why do you ignore me? What's wrong with you?" A criticism adds demands, disrespect, and/or anger to the complaint. The message of an unmet emotional need is buried under layers of abuse. Instead of creating a cooperative partner, it creates an adversary.

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The first step, as I mentioned earlier, should be to express your need clearly without demands, disrespect, or anger.

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This first step may solve your problem. Your husband may respond positively to your request, and the issue of unconditional love may not become a factor in his thinking.

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But if your husband refuses to accept your offer, the next step I recommend is very controversial, but when you compare it to the alternatives, it makes the most sense. It has two parts. I call one part plan A, and the other plan B. These two parts are to be executed sequentially -- plan A is first, followed by plan B.

Plan A is to give your husband "unconditional love" for a brief period of time, usually a month. I know. I've just written two columns that warn against unconditional love. But I've never been opposed to its use if it's intended to prime the pump. One spouse can't save a marriage, but one spouse can often set an example that the other spouse will sometimes follow. Plan A is to avoid all Love Busters, and to meet the other spouse's emotional needs without expecting anything in return immediately. But it also involves communicating the importance of reciprocity. Along with being an angel, you also explain that you expect your needs to eventually be met, too.

But before you begin plan A, prepare for plan B, which is to completely separate from your husband. You can't simply move out of the bedroom. You must move from the house, or have him move. If you live in a state that supports legal separation, go to the trouble to see an attorney so that all financial and legal arrangements are made in advance. Be sure that you can support yourself for an extended period of time, such as a year.

How should you tell your spouse, "We have a problem."

One of the reasons that spouses postpone their complaints is that the way they complain often starts a fight. While the complaint does get the problem out on the table, it often wrecks what could have been a peaceful evening at home. And after the fight is over, the problem usually remains unsolved. So, how should you introduce a problem to your spouse in a way that doesn't lead to a fight, and makes it easy to solve?

First, this is what you should NOT do when presenting a problem to your spouse:

DO NOT make a demand. A demand is an effort to force your spouse to do what you want without consideration for how your spouse will feel doing it. "Do it, or else," is the clear message given in a demand, and it coveys an insensitivity to your spouse's feelings or interests. It's a Love Buster because demands withdraw love units. Instead of helping to solve a problem, it creates a new problem. A thoughtful request, on the other hand, is a good way to ask your spouse for help, because it takes his or her feelings into account. "How would you feel if you were to do this for me," introduces the problem with a willingness to negotiate a win-win solution.

DO NOT make a disrespectful judgment. When you present the problem, avoid expressing it as being the fault of your spouse. "If you were less selfish, we wouldn't have this problem," is an example of a disrespectful judgment that will get you nowhere. Instead of blaming your spouse for the problem, view it as a problem for you that is, apparently, not a problem for your spouse. Respectful persuasion is an effort to try to change your spouse's behavior that, in the end, will not only help you, but will help your spouse as well.

DO NOT have an angry outburst. Anger is your Taker's way of punishing your spouse when he or she does not give you what you want. It's not only an ineffective way to produce long-lasting change in your spouse's behavior, but it also destroys your spouse's love for you.

Granted, if you present your complaint in a thoughtful way, and your spouse responds with thoughtlessness, you will be very tempted to revert to your Taker's instincts by being demanding, disrespectful and angry. But it takes two to fight, and if your spouse does not respond positively to your presentation, simply end the discussion, and re-introduce your problem again later.

It's very important for both you and your spouse to do a good job meeting each other's emotional needs, and avoiding behavior that causes each other's unhappiness. But when either of you have a complaint, I suggest that you use this procedure:

First, state your complaint as clearly as possible, guaranteeing your spouse's safety by avoiding demands, disrespect or anger. Be cheerful as you discuss the problem, and try to make it brief.

Second, ask for your spouse's perspective on your problem. How does your spouse view this same situation and what might make it difficult for him or her to accommodate you?

Third, brainstorm possible solutions to the problems, looking for a plan that would solve your problem, and at the same time take your spouse's feelings into account. Avoid any solution where one of you gains at the other's expense. Don't give or expect sacrifice because that means that one of you will be losing love units so that the other can gain them. If you sacrifice for each other, in the end, you won't have the mutual love for each other that you want. But also recognize the importance of eventually finding a solution that solves the problem.

Finally, from your list of possible solutions, choose the one that has the enthusiastic agreement of both you and your spouse. That way, the solution will deposit love units into both of your Love Banks simultaneously. If you can't find one that meets that standard, keep brainstorming.

To guarantee your love for each other, you and your spouse must address each other's complaints as soon as they arise. Don't let your problems build up before you find solutions, because the longer you wait, the more love units you lose. But, if you're not careful, the way you go about presenting your problem and trying to find solutions can also cause you to lose love units.

You will not only deposit love units by solving the problems themselves, but you will also deposit love units in the very way you go about solving the problem, if you do it the right way.

Most couples lose love units whenever they have a conflict because they present their complaints with demands, disrespect and anger. And then they look for solutions that help one spouse but hurt the other. That's no way to resolve conflicts, and it's certainly no way to stay in love.

The better you become at stating your complaints with your spouse's feelings in mind, and then finding solutions with the same thoughtfulness, the more you will feel like getting to each problem immediately. But until you get to the place where you feel like presenting your problems as soon as they occur, do it anyway. Don't try to lower your expectations, and don't try to meet your own emotional needs. Instead, learn to become experts at meeting each other's emotional needs. That way you will have what you have always wanted -- a fulfilling and passionate marriage.