Prisca, I am respectfully asking you, please don't make the crazy face at me. Like you, I'm trying to reason through Hill's dilemma with him, how to de-escalate a difficult situation. I did read your post, detailed how-to on de-escalating ways for him to discuss this. See, we're all working towards the same goal.

They both have a lot of fear and feel misunderstood. Hill that he is stuck in a sex-starved marriage. Grace that she's stuck doing things she has no interest in. But that's fear talking, because really they both want the middle ground - light, fun SF that they would both look forward to. In ways that minimize the risk of more kids right now.

I was trying to also bring up another part of the dynamic, how she experiences his beginning attempts as ultimatums. The electric fence thought pattern, that "fills in the blanks" in an all-or-nothing way. Instead of looking forward to the light, fun, no-pressure habits that are the goal. That being honest and very calm in a kind way can help those situations.

Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010