Heartfelt I want to thank you because in lots of ways what you are going through something I did once.
And I actually thought until very very recently that I too had been radically honest.
Here is something I wrote on my thread. I thought I was being very truthful when I wrote this. But I lied!
There was a time when I was on the brink of my own EA.
We'd been married about a year. My h was worried about losing his job, I wanst earning and he was very distant. My efforts to talk to him only seemed to worry him more, so i made a very naive decision to just put 'my feelings in the freezer' and wait for him to get over his worry. Very stupid.
At the time I was on a course that involved spending all day every day with the same group of people. I became very close to them, and felt they were important to me, although funnily enough I am no longer in contact with any of them!
One in particlar seemed to admire me a great deal, though nothing inappropriate was ever said or done. It was mostly 'looking' if that makes sense. The flattery was overpowering, but it didnt make me happy at all. It made very anxious and worried.
I knew that I wouldnt find him attractive if I was single. I knew it was only a reflection of problems at home. I knew it was shallow. But knowing these things seemed to make no difference to the pull I felt. It was horrible, like a rip tide that I was ashamed to call for help with.
I felt if I didn't unburden myself soon, I would go mad. I actually think if this peson had been a bit more overt or predatory, I would have spoken to him about it. That would have led to a discussion about feelings - and bang - full blown EA.
In my case, luckily he was actually very careful not to overstep any bounds. I dont credit him with any nobility on this point though. I think he was a bit immature, wanted to have a no-pressure crush and selfishly enjoyed my reactions.
This left me talking to my sis, but this didnt help.
I ended up being forced into the only option left - talking to my H as Dr Harley recommends in his policy of radical honesty. (though this was long before ever hearing of it)
I wasnt radically honest in fact. I glossed over a lot, lot more details than you did. I didnt even tell him the guy's identity!! I did just enough to ease some pressure and guilt. Just enough to DEMAND that my h paid more attention to my ENS. I dont think I ever even apologised to him for allowing someone else to meet my needs.
Since I became a BS I am really glad I avoided a EA using honesty. However I wish I had gone further.
Even more, I wish I hadnt set the example that hiding such important details from the person I loved was ok.
I wouldnt wish this on you.
