I spent the entire day yesterday trying to think of what to write to...

... "own" the things posted in my prior thread,

...explain what I have done to implement MB principles in the time that has passed,

...to construct a post that would be not honest but radically honest.

And I came up with nothing. ...not because I don't want to. But when I focus on this issue (the friend) everything just gets confused. I'm trying to forget the whole thing.

I think if we all agree with my husband that this was a nothing...an adolescent infatuation, at best...we can move onto the fundamental MB principles (like focusing on ENs, no LB-ing, the RC and UA). <-- I thought this could work. I mentioned that I was in a "fogged out" state in my first new post. Maybe my thinking the above means I am still foggy.

I want to grow; that's why I am still lurking around here. I just don't know what to do. DH is not going to give up the friend. He is absolutely NOT going to give him up. I don't fully understand that. I think a huge part of him not giving up the friend is that he will have to admit (in his mind) that he gave up the friend because of my love/lust/feelings for the friend, he'd have to admit that I love his friend/another man....and he CANNOT accept that.

I told him to read the texts. I gave him my phone. He told me he is not reading the fu*** texts. He does not want to hear about me being in love with some dude for two years. He does not want to hear about me wanting to f*** some other dude. He only wants to hear that I love only him. "This is over. You don't like anyone else. There. Done." He said that I am never to talk to him about this ever again. I am afraid I am hurting him by revisitng this over and over and over and over again.

...so I want(ed) to focus on making the marriage so strong, so renewed with romantic love, that his friend (in comparison) is not even a blip on my radar...

DH does not want to read the emails. DH will not read this MB site. And he hates this site...he thinks this site is putting all of these ridiculous ideas in my head. But I know how I feel...and I know this site has made so much sense to me. I have learned...I didn't even know that there was such a thing as EA before I began my research...and this site explained the anatomy of affairs, Mark's explanation of the chemical effects of love on the brain (didn't know that, either). Awhile ago this site was a lifeline to me. Even though I was the drowning person who was panicking, fighting the lifeguard, and making the rescue d*mn near impossible...you encouraged me to expose to DH (in a single day).

I don't like purposely thinking about the friend so much.

I was doing okay, I don't know about the text...I do. He had a big argument with his girlfriend. <--DH and his GF told me that.

Umm...okay, I read Resonance's thread Starting Over?. I see she is no longer here. I see how she thought she was overcoming her wayward mind and...she is not here anymore. I don't know what that means...but I hope it means she was successful. (I doubt it.) <--Maybe she'd like to tell me herself. I see 180 has been run off in a day or two. I hope she comes back. But I see that we WWs struggle...but I want to struggle and win. I want to be a success story. I want to be able to truthfully advise newbies that it can be done. ...that you can take someone as tough as fullmoon, 180, resonance, saddestwife...I can't remember who else...and they can be completely defogged and better than ever.

Unfortunately, DH is not in it with me...so I have to do it by myself. *sigh*

Vanilla, I don't know if you consider that "owning" it...I don't mind "owning" it, I just don't know what to do about it. And I didn't want to dig all this stuff up again so that I can move on. But I see...I can't get to step 2 without completing step 1.