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Just a quick update. I get very few of my needs met from my wife. I do my best however to meet hers as it serves no purpose to fight fire with fire. I let her know how I felt and as usual, the reason she doesn't meet my needs is because of me or other outside reasons like such as third child, finances, etc. She said her love bank is minus 100 and so I just asked her what I can do aside from meet her needs and avoid LB's. I'm confused and my wife has an excuse for everything.


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Been wondering about ya'll lately.

Are you willing to give Steve Harley a call?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Been wondering about ya'll lately.

Are you willing to give Steve Harley a call?

I asked her if she'd be willing to pull out the workbook twice today, she will not answer the question. We are far from being able to call Steve Harley financially right now, business partnership issues. She seems to think that if we are financially secure then she'll meet my needs. I told her she either chooses to meet my needs or chooses not to, she didn't like that. I said it respectfully as best I could. The birth control issue remains unresolved and is not going anywhere. I've learned to live with very little SF for the time being, zero affection, zero admiration. We don't fight all the time which is good and I attribute it to the tools we gained her.


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That's good you aren't fighting.

I'm a little concerned at the attitude that she doesn't have to meet your needs unless you provide financial support. Y'all married for better or for worse; a loss of a job is the worse that she married for.

BUT.

She did marry with a view toward having her need for financial support met. Are you working on a plan to get that secure?

As I recall Dr. Harley suggested you look at antidepressants. I know he suggests this particularly for men facing employment issues. Have you looked into them?


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Originally Posted by markos
That's good you aren't fighting.

I'm a little concerned at the attitude that she doesn't have to meet your needs unless you provide financial support. Y'all married for better or for worse; a loss of a job is the worse that she married for.

BUT.

She did marry with a view toward having her need for financial support met. Are you working on a plan to get that secure?

As I recall Dr. Harley suggested you look at antidepressants. I know he suggests this particularly for men facing employment issues. Have you looked into them?

I own two companies, one my partner is buying me out of, the other does fine, plus I just got a new job that I work at 10 hours per day. Things are a little hairy financially but should be extremely comfortable once we get monthly payments from my partner.

I'm not really depressed, I'm just unhappy. I'm exercising like crazy which has taken care of the stress and I'm in great shape.


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What is her complaint about finances? Just that those checks aren't coming in at this point, so it doesn't feel secure?


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Originally Posted by markos
What is her complaint about finances? Just that those checks aren't coming in at this point, so it doesn't feel secure?

Yes it gets a little dicey and she wants to feel comfortable. I just asked for a third time to join me in the workbook once again. She said she feels like we are just together for the kids. I said over and over here on this forum that I felt she wasn't willing to put the effort in and everybody fired back and said I was wrong. Well here we are, a marriage with one willing participant, and the other just pointing fingers and having an excuse for everything. She said that when people are unhappy they don't do things for each other. I'm getting scared because she keeps saying we're just married for the kids. It makes me think that once the finances are nice and secure that she is not sticking around.


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Hilltopper, is all of her time accounted for? Is she still open and transparent about everything?


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I would not keep bringing up the workbook. Once a week, let her know you'd like to work the program. Do not demand; do not bring it up too often; do not have strong emotional reactions if she declines.

She does feel like you two are together just for the kids. This is a symptom of her not being in love with you. Of course we know how that can be changed, but she's got to willingly participate.

How is she spending her time each day? How is she spending her time in the evenings? I might consider letting her know that her choices are not okay with you, because you want to spend time together in affection, conversation, and recreation. I am guessing that she is spending some time otherwise that you are not happy with. Am I correct? Or are you 100% behind the way she spends all of her time?


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Originally Posted by markos
I would not keep bringing up the workbook. Once a week, let her know you'd like to work the program. Do not demand; do not bring it up too often; do not have strong emotional reactions if she declines.

She does feel like you two are together just for the kids. This is a symptom of her not being in love with you. Of course we know how that can be changed, but she's got to willingly participate.

How is she spending her time each day? How is she spending her time in the evenings? I might consider letting her know that her choices are not okay with you, because you want to spend time together in affection, conversation, and recreation. I am guessing that she is spending some time otherwise that you are not happy with. Am I correct? Or are you 100% behind the way she spends all of her time?

No, the IB has kind of disappeared. We both get our hour in the gym separately. The time we spend is on the couch watching our favorite shows. In other words we've gotten lazy about it. She agreed to start the workbook tonight.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
She agreed to start the workbook tonight.

hurray

Quote
The time we spend is on the couch watching our favorite shows. In other words we've gotten lazy about it.

You don't have to watch TV even if she wants to.

You can also become affectionate during TV time.

Quote
We both get our hour in the gym separately.

Now, that is a shame. Different times? Or you go at the same time and aren't together?


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
She said she feels like we are just together for the kids.

This has got me concerned, HT. This attitude is different than when she was posting here. Has anything else changed recently? Do you think she is holding a grudge about you not getting the V?

And...

What happened to Dr Harley's advice of getting UA time together outside of the house? Is she willing to do this? When was your last date night?


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
She said she feels like we are just together for the kids.

This has got me concerned, HT. This attitude is different than when she was posting here. Has anything else changed recently? Do you think she is holding a grudge about you not getting the V?

And...

What happened to Dr Harley's advice of getting UA time together outside of the house? Is she willing to do this? When was your last date night?

Grudge? Big time. She said she is over it and is ready to deal with the birth control issue, but nothing has happened. I think if I can get her into the workbook that we'll find time spending time together. This is the most important thing we can do. She said she loves me if that helps.


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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
She agreed to start the workbook tonight.

hurray

Quote
The time we spend is on the couch watching our favorite shows. In other words we've gotten lazy about it.

You don't have to watch TV even if she wants to.

You can also become affectionate during TV time.

Quote
We both get our hour in the gym separately.

Now, that is a shame. Different times? Or you go at the same time and aren't together?

Different times. Even if we did go together she feels uncomfortable working out with me. I have the workbook in hand, she is dropping kids off at her folks down the street, I'm going to gym, then hopefully we can spend some time together tonight. I'm gonna start off by reviewing her EN's and LB's. I'll ask if she would do the same with mine.


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Wife and I went to a party last night. Everybody was having a good time. I spent quite a bit of time by myself because we had baby with us and my wife is a bit of a social butterfly. Later in the evening her best friend's husband gave my wife a "peck" on the lips. I didn't think much of it at the time. When we got home my wife felt the need to bring it up and said, "that is just what he does when he gets drunk," to everyone. I told her it didn't bother me at the time. The truth is(and keep in mind I hold in my feelings like I am right at this moment), is that it makes me insecure and wonder if she is having an affair all over again. I mean who goes to a party for 6 hours and spends only 20 minutes of it with his own wife?


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Side note. Her best friend and I were joking around about kids and stuff and how life is tough. She made some sexual innuendo to which I replied, "I don't get laid anymore," to which she replied, "it's your own damn fault" and walked away.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Side note. Her best friend and I were joking around about kids and stuff and how life is tough. She made some sexual innuendo to which I replied, "I don't get laid anymore," to which she replied, "it's your own damn fault" and walked away.

1) You shouldn't be discussing your sex life with another woman. Don't care if she is a "friend" or "mutual friend."

2) Neither should she. HOWEVER, Hill - we cannot address her behavior. You know what Love Busts you, you don't need confirmation or validation.

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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Wife and I went to a party last night. Everybody was having a good time. I spent quite a bit of time by myself because we had baby with us and my wife is a bit of a social butterfly. Later in the evening her best friend's husband gave my wife a "peck" on the lips. I didn't think much of it at the time. When we got home my wife felt the need to bring it up and said, "that is just what he does when he gets drunk," to everyone. I told her it didn't bother me at the time. The truth is(and keep in mind I hold in my feelings like I am right at this moment), is that it makes me insecure and wonder if she is having an affair all over again. I mean who goes to a party for 6 hours and spends only 20 minutes of it with his own wife?

Instead of running off on a tangent about an affair, I would simply tell her "I thought about this, and it does bother me. I am not okay with another man kissing you, even when drunk."

Personally, I would also quit going to such parties. Who wants to be around drunks?


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Side note. Her best friend and I were joking around about kids and stuff and how life is tough. She made some sexual innuendo to which I replied, "I don't get laid anymore," to which she replied, "it's your own damn fault" and walked away.

If you are interested in protecting your marriage, why in the name of Christ would you have such a discussion? If a woman who isn't your wife makes sexual innuendo towards you ... why continue the discussion? And to tell her about your sex life?


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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Side note. Her best friend and I were joking around about kids and stuff and how life is tough. She made some sexual innuendo to which I replied, "I don't get laid anymore," to which she replied, "it's your own damn fault" and walked away.

If you are interested in protecting your marriage, why in the name of Christ would you have such a discussion? If a woman who isn't your wife makes sexual innuendo towards you ... why continue the discussion? And to tell her about your sex life?

I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know. We had a long chat this morning and although the flirtations are not appropriate, it was really the notion that I spent much of the party by myself with our baby while my wife visited with her friends that bothered me. She apologized for it. We came to the conclusion that neither one of is happy because the effort is not being made once again. The effort is specifically about spending time together. We agreed to be selfish about time alone with each other and both feel that if we accomplish that most other things will fall in line. It worked before and it will again.


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