Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by PTH
I know you are right Markos but what I don't understand is that Topper has made a commitment to work on his marriage and he has shown progress. Why does his wife regress when he has shown the necessary actions?

The fact is that the real measure of whether Hilltopper has done the job or not is his wife. And it's a part of his wife that's not even under her conscious control. It's her Love Bank. For whatever reason, her love bank has decided that he has some big hurdles to get over. But these hurdles are not infinite, they are reachable, and getting over them is going to be good for Hilltopper himself, and his wife, and his children, and his marriage.

I know I worked harder in recovery when my wife showed me that she too was going to work at it.

Well, yes, that would be motivating to anybody! But that is not the case here, and she is not motivated to do that at this point in time. We can help encourage him to keep going forward even when he is demotivated, to keep at it long enough to finally break through.

Does her love bank have to be full for her to try and meet his needs?? Just confused on my end I guess.

None of us can control her or decide that for her. smile But when her love bank is full, she will want to meet his needs!

Listen to what Dr. Harley told Steve, whose wife is not motivated to work on their marriage:


You can also listen to what Dr. Harley told me:

My wife I would argue is not in withdrawal. I would rather argue that she is enjoying me meeting her needs and not having to reciprocate.

I would also argue that my wife has not regressed, she has merely remained the same. It is my fault for not asking for my needs to be met, I would prefer that she just meet them without me asking, but that is not realistic. It may seem easy for many of you here to ask for what you want but not me. I think it is a combination of my hating rejection and my wife answering my attempts with sarcasm, DJs, and redirects.

I would also argue that my wife is consumed with making herself feel good first and foremost. Meeting my needs doesn't make her feel good so she doesn't do it. It can be explained with this mentality. I go to gym, get skinny, look good but my wife doesn't say anything nor compliment me. Complimenting me doesn't make her feel good, in fact it makes her feel bad about herself, so she doesn't do it. Does that make sense?

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD