Hill, you sound tired and depressed? The holidays can be stressful on everyone. It's cyclical, though, right? One morning soon you'll wake up and feel like yourself again, plan some rest and relaxation time with your wife, time that'll recharge the batteries for both of you. How long does it even take to plan a date and get a sitter, when you're running on all cylinders? 15 minutes? Do you have a 15 minute coffee break at work today that you'd be willing to just "get 'er done?" Is there a different time of the ay that would be easier instead?

Are you getting enough sleep, good nutrition, exercise?

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Everything is important to my wife. So much so that I almost have no interests any longer. So here is one dilemma I have. After trying to take interest in many of the things that are important to my wife, I am simply just not interested at all, and my wife knows it. I wouldn't think Dr H wants me to pretend to be interested right?


So you gave that stuff a shot, you didn't like it. Next! smile It's only difficult until you get some momentum behind you. Maybe you want to try something totally out of left field like cwmi and her H did, like the p90x stuff, or taking up sailing with little kids. For us, two couch potatoes, we found we we liked playing soccer in the back yard. Folks are finding new stuff to try that they turn out really enjoying, every day.
What kind of things do you think you'd like to try? What did y'all do for fun when you were dating?

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Another dilemma is my wife wanting to do all of the million things around the house, not wanting me to do them, essentially having my life be watching all three kids on the weekends unless I complain about which gets her annoyed at me. My words, tone, and attitude are not demanding or judgmental in any way but she doesn't like when I make it known that watching the kids so she can go pursue her interests doesn't make me happy. I feel taken advantage of and neglected at the same time which isn't good.


You're not enthusiastic, Hill. How about some balance, so you're both happy. Maybe some middle ground, like taking the kids out to the park for a few hours so she could have some time at home without anyone underfoot? Maybe getting a cleaning person so there isn't so many chores left for the weekend? I don't know, what solutions do you see for this?

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So I feel like a punching bag yes man for my wife frequently, and if I hold in my honest feelings then she gets furious at me and calls me a liar, but yet if I am respectfully and radically honest it leads to conflict so who wants to engage in that constantly?

Hill, you can be a charming man. How about sharing your O&H while laying on the charm? Whatever you have to say can be said in a way that she knows is form the heart, because you love her and want to be happy together, right? When does she respond best to you?

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I feel so conflicted that this process will improve my situation and fulfillment in marriage. I spend hours obsessing over it. I get resentful that my wife appears to be perfectly content at the way things are.

What results have you seen so far, what is working better now than when you joined earlier this year? I understand the hours obsessing over it, what would you like to replace that with? If your wife is content, that means some things are working, right? Is there some success there you two can build on?

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I sometimes feel like she is allowed to run roughshod and play by whatever rules she wants yet I have my Dr H plan that I need to stick to.

Allowed to run roughshod, is this frustration talking? Is she doing things that harm you in the present, or are you frustrated over stuff that's happened in the past? If she's doing things that harm you in the present, how about getting some outside support for the marriage?

When my MB plan felt like punishment instead of a relief, it was where I misunderstood stuff. You're only supposed to be doing things for yourself, your marriage, your family that you are enthusiastic about. The only things you need to avoid are things that gain at your and/or their expense. What about your plan feels like something you need to stick to while she's "running roughshod"? For example, if she's yelling, and you're not yelling back, that's unacceptable that she's still acting out like that, and you all can get outside intervention for that. Because if for no other reason, your kids deserve better. And if you're not yelling, that's because you are a man of character and not stooping to that level. Showing your kids how to take on challenges with grace and dignity and effectiveness. Not because you're following a plan you don't want to be following, right?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010