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Ok so without a doubt the kids sap my wife's strength as well as mine. At the end of the day we are both exhausted and the last thing she wants to do is be lovey dovey or spend good quality time with each other fulfilling needs. I've asked repeatedly but it doesn't really change anything. Instead she becomes more needy and I try and accommodate as best I can to cater to that need. I recognize that the house is never going to be "just right" for her because we've been here 10 years and she still gets irritated each and every day about one thing or another. I'm not the handiest guy in the world and she is ok with that but that doesn't mean that she is ok with the things that she wants to fix or change. I take the path of least resistance and always try not to create more projects to do whereas my wife does the opposite. It bothers me but I've learned that it is important to her and that is just the way it's gonna be. How about I hire a handyman and put him on a retainer for 10 hours a month or whatever it takes for the next 90 days to fix every single thing that bothers her from top to bottom, and hire a laundry pick up and delivery service so she doesn't get so overwhelmed about the piles and piles of laundry? Is it ok that I'm not the one fixing the stuff and that I'm not the one doing the laundry?


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Hilltopper, oh yes! I'd have to say that if my husband hired someone to take care of the things that bothered me, that would fill my lovebank extensively!

What a great idea!


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Ah, now we are getting to her complaints! If you can make some serious headway on those things that are never quite right, those things that are occupying her mind, you would become her partner in the solutions to the problems she is experiencing in life.

Are there any obstacles to doing that? Seriously, there's a good chance that this is the way to go. She is expressing unmet emotional needs here, and these problems are distracting her from intimacy.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by markos
Ah, now we are getting to her complaints! If you can make some serious headway on those things that are never quite right, those things that are occupying her mind, you would become her partner in the solutions to the problems she is experiencing in life.

Are there any obstacles to doing that? Seriously, there's a good chance that this is the way to go. She is expressing unmet emotional needs here, and these problems are distracting her from intimacy.

No no obstacles in my mind, financially or other to do this. She may not want to outsource all of our laundry so I'll have to figure out what goes and what doesn't.


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A woman who wouldn't outsource all the laundry? Nonsense! smile

You know the answer here is POJA. Acknowledge the problem, offer solutions, agree on what to do. This is how we ended up with a robot vacuum. Also, sending out H's work clothes for launderin' and pressin'. These were things that were important to him to have done, and I didn't object to them getting done, only ME having to do them. smile

With the handyman solution, make sure she is comfortable with him (or her, lol). We've had some workers in our home while H was away who made me much less than comfortable, and others who I would have invited their whole families over for a cook-out. I suggest, after POJAing hiring someone to take care of those tasks, to do an interview/estimate in your home with your wife present. You two sit down and make a list of the tasks to be done asap, and bring in some bidders. Ask neighbors and/or coworkers for recommendations.



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted by Anointed
Hilltopper, oh yes! I'd have to say that if my husband hired someone to take care of the things that bothered me, that would fill my lovebank extensively!

What a great idea!

Thank you for the female perspective that goes a long way!


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Excellent clips on POJA. Please tell us what you think.

Radio clip on POJA
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
One more thing because SF is the most important thing to me and to most guys. I have an appt for getting a V tomorrow. What little sex we do have I want to be good for both of us mentally and physically. To be honest I expect nothing to change in that department but I'm doing it anyways. We'll see how it goes.
This is a huge issue of contention between you, isn't it? And you were at an impasse. If you decide to go ahead with the vasectomy, make sure you do it enthusiastically. If you do it reluctantly it will cause enormous resentment in you - especially if nothing changes afterwards with respect to sex.

Does your wife express any pleasure in the fact that you are considering a vasectomy?


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Here's some more clips. Please let us know what you think.
Radio clip on SF
Radio clip on too much or not enough SF
Segment #2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Dang some more excellent clips.

Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
One more thing because SF is the most important thing to me and to most guys. I have an appt for getting a V tomorrow. What little sex we do have I want to be good for both of us mentally and physically. To be honest I expect nothing to change in that department but I'm doing it anyways. We'll see how it goes.
This is a huge issue of contention between you, isn't it? And you were at an impasse. If you decide to go ahead with the vasectomy, make sure you do it enthusiastically. If you do it reluctantly it will cause enormous resentment in you - especially if nothing changes afterwards with respect to sex.

Does your wife express any pleasure in the fact that you are considering a vasectomy?

Yes she does. I let her know I'm taking a leap of faith. I was probably not as honest as I could have been about my decision earlier not to have a V. As I review my thoughts and really dug deep I think it has more to do with the fact that I didn't think anything would change sexually should I have one. I thought, why would I subject myself to something that has no benefit to me? In asking my wife I gather it will have "some" benefit to me in terms of her not worrying about an unwanted pregnancy, so the rest of it relates to eliminating those things that cause her not to desire sex. Not sure if it has to do with it, but she held my hand on date night in the car on the way home after knowing I got an appt for a V, arranged for a handyman next week, and made arrangements for some laundry service as well.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Here's some more clips. Please let us know what you think.
Radio clip on SF
Radio clip on too much or not enough SF
Segment #2

Did you get a chance to listen to the clips?

What did you think?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No I didn't listen to the clips. But how are you doing?


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
No I didn't listen to the clips. But how are you doing?
When you get a chance to listen, please let me know what you think.

I'm doing well, thanks for asking.





FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by CWMI
A woman who wouldn't outsource all the laundry? Nonsense! smile

You know the answer here is POJA. Acknowledge the problem, offer solutions, agree on what to do. This is how we ended up with a robot vacuum. Also, sending out H's work clothes for launderin' and pressin'. These were things that were important to him to have done, and I didn't object to them getting done, only ME having to do them. smile

With the handyman solution, make sure she is comfortable with him (or her, lol). We've had some workers in our home while H was away who made me much less than comfortable, and others who I would have invited their whole families over for a cook-out. I suggest, after POJAing hiring someone to take care of those tasks, to do an interview/estimate in your home with your wife present. You two sit down and make a list of the tasks to be done asap, and bring in some bidders. Ask neighbors and/or coworkers for recommendations.

Hard to POJA with someone who for the most part rejected MB, particularly the forum. I think she follows many of the principles without realizing it but for the most part by working on "me" for the past year it has made it easier on both of us because her bank isn't negative like it used to be. We still struggle with her DJ's and what typically happens is I reach a point where I've had enough and I fire back. It used to happen 5 times a day, not it is about once every 10 days and even at that we recover very quickly. Another thing that bothers me is that so many things bother her. Is that ok to be bothered by that? smile I think it is more that she says anything and everything that comes to mind and it wears me down because it is kind of a drag to be around the doom and gloom 24-7. I have to be careful here, because I tend to judge her mentality and way of seeing things and it is REALLY, really hard for me. She would go to any amount of effort and spend any amount of money to get/keep the house just how she likes it, whereas I figure that houses are made to be lived in. Things get dirty and things break. There isn't unlimited money nor time to pay for and fix them all today. I'm sure she doesn't understand why I don't get irritated as easily as she does when something breaks or when there is a stain on the carpet that suddenly appears. I grew up in a house where my Dad obsessed over every little thing and he to this day will spend any amount of money fixing and upgrading things. I think I developed a very low threshold for this mentality so I'm doing the best I can to solve some of my wife's irritations with the house without spending beyond our means.


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So would you say your marriage is better than it was a year ago?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So would you say your marriage is better than it was a year ago?
Sure much better. Most of it would be more because we've eliminated the DJ's and AO's and other love busters. I would say she still doesn't make me happy however. It is a start though.

Btw we did have a fight tonight. It started the same way with all of them. She DJ'd me and I reacted too harshly. We were equally to blame. I apologized.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Btw we did have a fight tonight. It started the same way with all of them. She DJ'd me and I reacted too harshly.

One of these days she is going to be disrespectful, and you are going to react gently and calmly, and she is going to be amazed and take notice that something has changed.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I like what Marcos has to say. Often I can diffuse a situation by calmly stating that I knew she is upset, I'm sorry for x action I did to upset her and I'd love to talk about it but that is appreciate if she didn't snap at me.

Or word it goes you want. The key for me is acknowledge she is upset, own up to my part, and then calmly state my own boundaries


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A sentence that has helped me a lot to hold in my thoughts:

"She will be more motivated to work on her disrespect toward me when she is in love with me."

That helps me to put aside the issue for the moment, painful as it is, and address her complaints, which makes deposits in her love bank, and ultimately brings my wife to a place where she WANTS to be loving toward me and not disrespectful, as well as meet my emotional needs.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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