Hill, I'm sure you've been told this but while you may not be able to control how you feel, you do control how you respond. A simple, "I understand that you're upset, if you'd like to talk about it, I'd love to listen." Leave it there. If she snaps at you, repeat, "I understand that you're upset but please do not snap at me/raise your voice at me/speak down to me/"etc (whatever it is). You do not snap at her, yell at her, disrespect her, etc.

You simply verify how she is feeling, let her know you are open to discuss, but you will not be treated or spoken to poorly. My wife used to be the queen of speaking disrespectfully to me. It is very rare that that she is anymore and it gets nipped in the bud quickly. However I can't respond to her ina jerk tone telling her not to treat me like a jerk. YOu have to lead the example.

Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)