Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by writer1
Seriously, I personally am finding all of this placing the blame on PMS stuff very insulting

NO KIDDING! I don't think this is Marriage Builders advice. Any time you start psychoanalyzing your spouse, or saying that their feelings are "just" because of whatever cause (e.g. PMS), you are probably saying something that your spouse would find highly disrespectful!

There used to be some humorous poster/T-shirt in the nineties about "the rules" for dealing with women. It was all about PMS, and basically amounted to "PMS is an excuse for anything; only the woman can declare when PMS is occurring." Well, no joke, it's offensive to ladies for men to blame stuff on PMS. In fact in the days when I was coming of age it was deemed sexual harassment by most women.

Telling your spouse what they think or why they do what they do is a love bank withdrawal. Just leave it alone. She doesn't want to feel analyzed like a lab experiment! There was a post earlier on this thread saying essentially "give her some extra grace when she's in PMS." Well, we've already established that she is going to be testing him; she's going to be disrespectful for the foreseeable future, and the only way through for Hilltopper is to not become demanding, disrespectful, or angry in response. That's the whole month round, and whether it's caused by PMS or anything else. So give her some grace all the time, if grace means not becoming abusive in response to her abuse.

Please elaborate more on the literature that you've read or history behind why my wife will "test" me. I know your story, so is this just your experience or does Dr H specifically point to some kind of testing phase while in the state of conflict?

Yes, he says that on the radio, especially for men who've been abusive, their wives will test. It agrees very much with my experience. Prisca admits she has done it, both consciously and unconsciously.

She tested me last night for sure. We had a massage + xoxo date last night. Instead we stayed up later because she wanted to watch a show. I didn't show disappointment at her saying that she no longer wanted to do massages. She then snuggled up with me in bed and told me she loved me and that was our "moment." Historically I would pout or toss a DJ her way but as a brave knight I passed the test. There will surely be more to come and I'll be prepared.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD