Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
She frequently would tell me that I would present arguments as, "Well I'm sorry, but the facts are just the facts." It was as if to say, "Well I'm sorry you feel that way, but you'll have to stop feeling that way immediately because I've figured it all out myself for you so you don't have to."

Yep, the facts are just the facts, and can't you see the obvious truth? smile

We husbands are seriously bad about trying to control our wives feelings. We are SCARED TO DEATH of those feelings and the damage they might do, it makes us nervous and anxious, and we have an immediate fight or flight response, don't we?

If a typical man had written Marriage Builders, the entire program would be one short pamphlet addressed to wives saying "Stop feeling that way."

Instead, Dr. Harley wrote Marriage Builders to men saying "Listen to your wife's complaints, and act on them. You'll be a better person for it and make better decisions in life, she'll be more happier than you can possibly imagine, she'll make you more happy than you can possibly imagine. So listen to her complaints. Even if she hasn't figured out how to express them respectfully, yet."

I believe in all of this, but it is still overwhelming. My wife complains a lot and she is showing no sign of slowing down. Normally Dr H would advise her, if she was a MB student, to only complain about the top 3 things that bother her. I couldn't possibly field every single complaint and address them all without my head exploding. What I am doing is listening and trying to comprehend what she means. Sometimes a complaint is really just my wife venting. She really doesn't want me to "do" or "not do" anything, she is just needing a partner that she can vent to. In fact I've explained this better myself when I need to vent. In my experience venting sometimes can be taken as a DJ by your spouse unless otherwise explained. In fact, now that I think about it, most of my wife's complaints have nothing to do with me, geez why didn't I figure that out before? I've felt attacked for years and I don't need to. I need to take each comment, analyze it, and react accordingly. In fact if I can continue to eliminate DJs while becoming my wife's #1 shoulder to cry on/vent on I think there is an excellent chance she'll cross that threshold.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD