Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Hill it sounds like the problem is it's still a power struggle thing. She sees it as something that's not a natural part of the day, so her hackles get raised. How can you approach this without getting her defenses up? Maybe like first thing in the morning, especially on a weekend, when there are no demands on you two yet and the kids are still sleeping? Do you have existing parts of your day you can add affection to? Like if you two have a kiss good morning when you wake up, maybe you could add snuggling, and then when you both are looking forward to that, make the next move. Have you read Dr. H's article of affection lately, does that sound like something that would help?

Kids were all at the grandparents. I made her a fabulous healthy dinner. We ate and talked and it was great. We both went upstairs to do laundry and when were close to done I asked if we could have some fun before kids come home. She declined again and said her heart was not in it at that moment cause she was crabby. She promised for the following night and asked if that was ok. I said that I preferred tonight because it keeps getting put off and it is really important to me. She said, "I know you were great today but my heart is just not in it."

This is the most common end result. I guess the part that is hard for me is that she has the energy to do a lot of things, many of those with me. When it is always said and done SF gets the short end of the stick. As far as making a move goes, it is just never received well. There is no making a move in our marriage any more.

This is the hard part about what I've been trying to figure out. She definitely lets me meet her needs so it is not that she won't kiss me, or hug her, or talk, or go have fun together. If she was in conflict she wouldn't usually allow me to meet those needs. When we were in conflict she wouldn't even allow me to help her do laundry but she does now. She went outside to plant a plant and I went out with her and hauled around her heavy bag of soil so she had it next to her. Needs are being met in this marriage, that is for certain, but the percentages are off, at least for me.

The only time SF occurs is right before bed and typically she is too tired, and to be honest sometimes so am I. I just don't know that if I went into overdrive and started doing all the laundry and every chore in the house that the outcome would be any different. She just doesn't want to have sex and if I stopped asking we just wouldn't, ever!

Here is what I know. I know that I'm not happy with a lack of SF. She knows that I'm very unhappy about a lack of SF because we've had the conversation many times. Despite these two well known facts in our relationship, the need still goes unmet. So yes her hackles get raised that her husband wants sex because it interferes with all the other things she needs/wants to do.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD